Beginning in the 2012-2013 academic year, this newspaper will now be known as “The Neeson News.” Following a conversation with the editorial staff, we have decided to dedicate ourselves to reporting the life, heroism and face-imploding awesomeness that is Liam Neeson. While the current version of the newspaper was an informative and entertaining media source for University of Massachusetts students, there’s no better way for young minds to expand their horizons than by learning about the exploits of this gentleman from County Ballymena, Ireland. We had the privilege of sitting down with the great man to discuss his work and excitement over becoming the subject of a newspaper.

MW: Wow, we’re so excited to sit down with you today, Mr. Neeson.
LN: You’re welcome.

MW: So first thing’s first, how does it feel to be the sole subject of an entire, collegiate newspaper?

LN: It’s about time; it’s awful to think that they’ve only recently begun making biopics of my life.

MW: I’m sorry, which movies are about your life?

LN: “Taken” and “Rob Roy.” There was also a wonderful documentary recently called “The Grey.”

MW: Alright, then. In what ways do you think your life story can benefit our readers?

LN: How much time do you have? First of all, I’m a whirling dervish of badassery. Just look at me. Who wouldn’t want a paper about this? In terms of human perfection, I am it.

MW: We totally agree…

LN: Don’t just blindly agree with people. It doesn’t suit a chronicler of Liam Neeson.

MW: Sorry about that. Anyways, you’ve been a part of some major franchise film series like “Star Wars.” What was it like being a Jedi?

LN: Disappointing, really. Jedi don’t lead the kind of rigorous, masculine life that I’m accustomed to. There’s far too much peace, negotiation and abstinence involved. You don’t see too many “Keepers of the Peace” knockin’ boots with Helen Mirren.

MW: You had a relationship with Helen Mirren?

LN: That has nothing to do with you.

MW: Okay, what about “The Chronicles of Narnia?” It must have been fun playing a beloved character like Aslan.

LN: It was grand. Originally they were going to do Aslan as a CGI character, but after I told the director about MacKenna, he changed his mind.

MW: Who is MacKenna?

LN: MacKenna is a lion I’ve domesticated. He played Aslan and I did the voice.
MW: But the lion’s mouth moves as if it is talking.

LN: Yes.

MW: Okay, very impressive. We also hear you’re interested in getting into comedy.

LN: You can’t trust gypsies.

MW: Excuse us?

LN: That’s one of my short, comedic observations. People like you call them “jokes.”

MW: Very funny.

LN: Steven Spielberg and I are working on a sequel to “Schindler’s List.” I can promise you, it’ll be just as funny as the first one. But funnier.

MW: What are you talking about?

LN: Steven and I made a comedy in the early nineties called “Schindler’s List.” Real screwball stuff.

MW: Mr. Neeson, “Schindler’s List” is not a comedy. It’s a very powerful film on a very serious subject.

LN: From your point of view.

MW: No, everyone thinks that.

LN: Everyone’s not Liam Neeson. Or Steven Spielberg, one of a few mere mortals with an aura comparable to myself.

MW: Of course. Well, are there any future projects your fans can look forward to?

LN: You haven’t asked me about my Michael Collins.

MW: Your what?

LN: My Ra’s Al Ghul. My Rob Roy McGregor.

MW: Would you like to discuss these roles?

LN: For [expletive deleted] sake, my penis man!

MW: You want us to ask about your penis?

LN: Everyone else does. For God’s sake, I show it to my horses to remind them who’s boss.

MW: That is peculiar but makes sense at the same time.

LN: Of course it does. Just to be clear, I am very well endowed.

MW: We understand.

There you have it. Liam Neeson is a man of few words, until it’s time to discuss what makes him a man. As the year goes on, we will continue to bring the world news of Mr. Neeson’s essence. The enigmatic movie star can next be seen playing his grandfather in “Wrath of the Titans” and adding gravitas to the movie “Battleship,” based on the board game he created. This summer, he will appear in “The Dark Knight Rises,” thus confirming its status as the greatest movie ever made.

Kevin Romani can be reached at [email protected]. Danny Marchant can be reached at [email protected].