By the time I crossed coasts, moved into my dorm, and waved goodbye to my parents as a freshman, I felt really small. In a state school of thousands of other individuals —just as special, and just as plain, as I felt— I was overwhelmed by both the possibility of reinventing myself and getting lost in the constant motion around me.
Every piece of my identity felt like it had been stripped from me. The skyline I associated with home was six hours away, my best friend was three hours behind me, and any knowledge of my well-cultivated academic reputation was long gone. And maybe one of the most painful realizations of all was that my time as an athlete was over.
And while that sounds dramatic, having spent my entire life at practices, playing in tournaments, and prepping for game days, I had an immense void left to be filled. Pools of tears and a deep ache shrouded my first semester at the University of Massachusetts, a time during which I felt alone, untethered and unlike myself.
Nobody prepared me for the reality of trying to figure out my own athleticism outside of sports; of the strange new voice in my head questioning my food choices now that I couldn’t justify them; of the loneliness stemming from no longer associating with a goal, or a team. After playing sports since the age of three, I came to UMass assuming it was time to put away the kneepads and try to figure out who I was off the court.
Thankfully, that did not happen.
The day I stepped foot on this campus and began to move into my Southwest Z-room, my Minute-Mover, Megan McNally, asked me if I played volleyball. I shrugged and told her that yes, I did in high school, to which she replied that I should try out for the UMass club team.
I later found out that Megan did, in fact, tell every person she met to try out. But, at the time, it began a sequence of events that incrementally changed my mind about being at UMass. I’d see Megan in the dining hall, she’d tell me to try out; I’d see her on campus, she’d tell me to try out; I went to the activities expo, she told me to try out. And no matter how many times I told myself that it was time for me to give it up, that I wouldn’t make it past tryouts, that that chapter of my life had closed, every interaction left me wondering what it could be like to be back on a team. What it could be like if I didn’t have to lose that part of myself just because I wasn’t a divisional athlete, just because I was prioritizing academics, and just because I was still grieving every time I saw Washington-grown apples at the grocery store.
I can confidently say that trying out and making the team weren’t even the most rewarding parts of this experience, though they quenched the competitiveness inside of me that hadn’t been met since the fall of my senior season in high school. It took a while for me to settle in, to not feel the pit in my chest where the homesickness had burrowed, to open up to my new teammates and to share my life with them, but I couldn’t be more thankful that their energy and support helped me take the jump.
My time at UMass, I can say confidently, has been pigmented by my team.
Counteracting my ever-changing emotional turmoil, I knew every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, I’d be at practice at 7 a.m. I knew that weekends would involve homework on the go, sets to 25 and games best of three. And I felt grounded. Volleyball grounded me here at UMass, and I have it to thank for giving me a reason to wake up in the morning, for relinquishing my identity back to me, and for making me feel seen.
It’s been more than rewarding to feel myself grow with my teammates. As an individual, I’ve never felt stronger. I’ve never felt prouder of, as a team, the way that we interact with each other and the work we put in. It’s hard to put into words the amount of love I have for them, but I can only equate it to being able to fill up that initial void I felt freshman year, probably times 10.
In joining this team, terrified of being forced to find myself away from sports, I think I’ve done just that: I know that no matter how much longer I get to spend my life suiting up and cheering after rallies, I can thank these years for solidifying the love I have for myself and for my body. Being grounded by this sport, by this competition, and by these women has given me the collective confidence to stretch far beyond what I imagined I could accomplish in these last three years.
I think of my time here at UMass as being enveloped in tournament road trips, in early morning practices, in confidants, and in confidence. So, while this might be an ode to the sport that I love so much, it most definitely is an ode to UMass Women’s Club Volleyball. Because without you, I’d still feel lost.
Ella Adams can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter @ella_adams15.
