Editor’s note: This article contains content pertaining to eating disorders and body image, If you are struggling with an eating disorder and need support, call the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) Helpline +1 (800) 931-2237 or the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders (ANAD) Helpline +1 (888) 375-7767.

Every time National Eating Disorder Awareness week rolls around, I like to reflect on my own recovery and remind myself of how far I have come.

Two years ago, if someone told me I would be sitting in my college dorm writing a column about my eating disorder recovery for my University’s newspaper, I wouldn’t believe them.

With my days revolving around obsessive calorie counting, stressing about what I was going to eat next and ruthless exercise routines, recovery seemed nearly impossible. I had accepted that this was just what the rest of my life was going to be like.

However, with the encouragement – and at times needed force – of my family, close friends and recovery team I am immensely proud that I chose recovery. An aspect of recovery I’m most thankful for – but is often not talked about – is how recovery allowed me to find myself outside of my eating disorder.

No one told me how much recovery would give me my life back. I couldn’t fathom this component of recovery myself while in the depths of my eating disorder because it had completely taken control over my life.

While in the midst of recovery, I often asked myself, “Who am I without my eating disorder?” At first all I felt was sheer panic. My eating disorder took over every aspect of my day, so much so that I didn’t have any more time or energy to put towards enjoying life. I quickly came to realize I didn’t know who I was.

That realization was terrifying. It made me want to resort back to my eating disorder habits. Yet, as I kept eating and replenishing my body, I gained more energy that I had never had before. Instead of constantly being in a state of exhaustion, I felt rejuvenated and excited about each day.

Without the 24/7 intrusive thoughts that my eating disorder fed to me, I finally had the time and energy to put towards finding different hobbies and interests that I genuinely enjoyed. With this newfound freedom, I found that I love painting, writing and poetry. Likewise, the activities that I was doing while struggling with my eating disorder, I now was able to be fully present and enjoy my time when I hung out with friends, played my guitar and ukulele, swam and surfed.

Not only did recovery allow me to rediscover myself but I was also able to better focus on school and my job as a lifeguard and swim instructor. As I got further into my recovery, school became more tolerable and my grades improved. Going to work didn’t seem like a daunting task and I started to enjoy teaching and lifeguarding again. Recovery allowed me to gain a healthy control of my life. The one thing that my eating disorder was trying so hard to do.

While this time in my recovery was exciting and new, I still had many struggles with not letting my eating disorder ruin what I loved to do. I have been a swimmer and surfer since I was 10-years old. I swam competitively and surfed all throughout my eating disorder. Sports that I once loved turned into avenues for my eating disorder to exist. Over time, swimming became more about exercising and a way to restrict and less about training to race.

I was still in the early stages of my recovery when the COVID-19 pandemic hit. Due to this I had no access to a pool. Not being able to swim allowed me the time and space, along with therapy, to realize I was using exercise in a negative way.

While I genuinely love playing sports and being active, over-exercising is still something I can easily fall back into. My thought process towards working out was so negative for such a long time that it takes a lot of work to reframe my thoughts around exercising.

Relearning how to exercise for the right reasons is still a journey that I am on today. It can be frustrating at times when I’m not where I want to be in my swimming progress. However, now when I do decide to practice or work out, I am having fun and not pushing my body to the extreme.

I think it is so important to talk about and share this positive part of recovery because for me it was monumental in continuing with recovery and gaining my life back. Finding who I was without my eating disorder helped me shift my focus and control on hobbies and activities that were not self-destructive or that fueled my eating disorder.  If I knew this before recovery, I may have been more willing to recover sooner.

Without recovery I can confidently say I would not be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have found my passion for journalism and writing. I wouldn’t be someone who is most happy when hanging out with friends and family. I wouldn’t be the adventurous person who loves spontaneous road trips to new places. I wouldn’t be able to see and be excited for a future that doesn’t revolve around restriction.

I still have bad days and slip-ups but that is part of recovery, that’s part of life. Recovery taught me how to have bad moments but not let it determine the rest of my day. Recovery showed me who I am outside of my eating disorder. Every day that I wake up and get to go about my day without the constant thoughts of restriction, I am deeply grateful for the progress I have made and the person who I have become.

Recovery is possible, and that’s coming from someone who didn’t think it was, someone that didn’t want to try at first. While it’s essential and probably one of the hardest parts, there is so much more to recovery than just learning how to eat again and fueling your body. Recovery is about finding your true self and falling in love with life again.

Corinne Arel can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter @CorinneArel_09.