A common trend with younger queer people is believing that they’re not really part of the community if they don’t come out. In recent years, society has become more accepting of LGBTQ+ identities, leading queer people to be more open with their identities and publicly embrace queer culture. This, of course, is a huge step forward and is vital for the ideals of queer liberation. There are some people, however, who are uncomfortable with coming out or live in situations where it could jeopardize their safety. I would like to talk about my own experience coming out and share some of my thoughts on the topic.
I would first like to recognize that having the ability to come out is a privilege, and I believe everyone should see it that way. Countless queer individuals across the world live in situations that make it impossible. Whether it be abusive parents or a government that persecutes queer people, there are any number of reasons for why some people can’t come out. That being said, some people live in free countries with extremely supportive families who still decide to keep their identity to themselves. This choice is entirely valid and does not take away from their orientation. Some people like to embrace queer culture in the most prominent, loudest way possible. For others, embracing queer culture can be as simple as reading queer authors or supporting queer businesses.
You don’t owe an explanation of yourself to anybody. If someone decides to live their whole life without telling another soul they’re gay, they are no less valid than someone who makes their identity known to all. Coming out is a stressful, precarious and occasionally dangerous privilege, and no individual should ever be pressured into doing it. If you know someone in the closet, it is never acceptable to try and pressure them to come out. No matter how much you think you know someone, there are a million things they choose not to tell you or the rest of the world. Coming out is a highly personal choice, and nobody owes you an explanation as to why they decide not to.
Personally, I wasn’t publicly out until I came to college. I went to high school in the Atlanta suburbs, and although I lived in a blue area, Southern culture has a way of sinking its claws into everything. I decided that for the sake of my safety and comfort, I wouldn’t be publicly out until I was in college. At this point, the only people who knew of my queer identity were the close friends that I decided I wanted to know about it. Back in high school, I looked forward to the day when I could be publicly out. I thought that in college, I would finally be able to be a part of the queer community. I learned pretty fast, though, that once I was publicly out, it didn’t change much at all. Of course, it’s nice to be more open about myself, and I have the amazing privilege of getting to share my thoughts and experiences here without fear for my safety. But I realized that being out did not make my identity any more valid than when I was in the closet. Looking back, I realized I was always a part of the community, and I always did what I could to advocate for queer equality.
There are an infinite number of reasons as to why someone decides not to come out, and each one is entirely valid. There are also an infinite number of ways to be a part of the community and support queer equality while still being in the closet. If you don’t want to go to a pride parade, you can always support queer artists, buy from LGBTQ+ businesses and be there for your queer friends. To close this out, I would like to leave some resources for those in a situation that does not allow them to come out. Always remember, you don’t owe anybody any explanation, and your identity is valid regardless of who knows about it.
Transgender Legal Defense and Education Fund
Zach Leach can be reached at [email protected] and followed on Twitter at @ZachLeach12.
