There’s an almost endless beauty that lies within the principle of transparency, but if I’m being completely transparent with myself, there is nothing worse than trying to construct clumps of words together about your own life.

Right off the bat, I knew it would be hard to try and summarize almost half of a decade of my experiences at the University of Massachusetts. It’s quite ironic, isn’t it? For someone to dedicate almost the entirety of their college career to journalism, yet writing a single column proved to be a painstakingly difficult task.

Yet when I forced myself to type out each letter, each corresponding key of my laptop, I came to the realization that I’ve made one too many times – once again, I somehow managed to serve as my own biggest obstacle.

There’s a sort of loveliness in this recognition, a comfort in knowing my own limits. This comfort is one I increasingly depend on, especially as graduation swiftly encroaches upon us. Change can take anyone by surprise and force itself into our lives, but we must be honest with ourselves in how we approach adversity.

This is why I developed such a strong admiration for journalism, because at its core is the principle of transparency – a concept we must embrace within our personal lives as well.

I find myself grasping on to any pieces of familiarity that I can find to help stabilize my fears about what lies ahead of me. So, to my future self, hold on to those that support you and keep them as a constant in your life. To my past self, I hope that you will seek out more opportunities to build up your confidence, as you deserve every last ounce of respect.

For my present self, it’s easy to get caught up in the past and future – there were times where I felt helplessness or a strong sense of absurdity for dreaming about my post-graduate life. Looking back upon old versions of myself, it’s safe to say the world didn’t end when I was 18, where I grappled with tumultuous waves of ambition and panic.

I don’t think I was ever comfortable writing about myself until last summer. I remember being in a similar situation, where I had to produce a short personal essay and I was truly at a loss. I eventually published a piece about growing up with OCD, or obsessive-compulsive disorder. I’ve dealt with OCD for as long as I can remember, and I’ll say this – it does not equate to hyper-organization. It does not show up as a guilt-ridden, Type A individual going absolutely berserk over their shoes out of place. Instead, OCD might show up as fixing your shoes 15 different times because you “just need to get it right.” Whatever that means.

Reflecting on this condition, I wish I could hug my past self and tell her that it’s okay to deal with intrusive thoughts and compulsions, and rather find solace in the consistency of it all. That instead of experiencing chronic shame and confusion, to recognize that it is not a defining trait of who I am.

This newfound transparency that I am unearthing upon myself is what I want to carry long into the future. In the meantime, for my current self and to the entirety of the news team: student journalism has a special place in my heart, and the curiosity that drives all of us is impeccable. If we aren’t writing, who is?

So much has occurred over these last few weeks – from protests to commencement fair lines – but I’m incredibly, utterly excited for the future of this section.

Daniel, keep wearing your purple hat (just make sure you don’t lose it) and pursuing court records. Abby, you’re going to kill it. You amaze me every day with your quick-witted humor and next-level driving skills, not to mention your willingness to help others with story editing when there is an incredulous amount on desk.

To next year’s assistants, you deserve the very best and I can’t wait to read all of your dynamic, tireless coverage. To my beat writers: thank you for putting up with Grace and I’s shenanigans. I love all of you, and you guys are so talented.

To Grace Lee, because your full name just sounds better, I wholeheartedly have come to terms with your ancestral ties to Emily Dickinson. It speaks to your wonderful writing abilities and consistent journalistic work. I am so grateful to call you my colleague, but also my friend. I can’t wait to see where life takes you over these next few years.

Mahi, you are a gem. I remember walking into the office and barely knowing you, but you were a familiar face. Now there’s complete transparency between us, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Your commitment to reporting on student groups and complex issues on campus will not go unnoticed, along with the way you show up for your writers. I am still in awe that you are studying chemical engineering and manage to produce stories.

Jack, thank you for leading us into what felt quite frankly like battle at times. It’s not easy running an entire news team, especially as there were a ton of new writers this year and an uptick in local news coverage. I can’t wait to see what you report on next.

I am so proud of you all, as these last few weeks have proven that we are capable of almost anything. When you are in search of a quote or a crucial piece of information, there’s so much beauty in figuring it all out. So much, to the point that transparency is at the front and center.

Olivia Capriotti was an Assistant News Editor. She can be reached at [email protected].