Scrolling Headlines:

Whose American Dream? -

June 24, 2017

Man who threatened to bomb Coolidge Hall taken into ICE custody -

June 24, 2017

Cale Makar drafted by Colorado Avalanche in first round of 2017 NHL Entry Draft -

June 24, 2017

Conservatives: The Trump experiment is over -

June 17, 2017

UMass basketball lands transfer Kieran Hayward from LSU -

May 18, 2017

UMass basketball’s Donte Clark transferring to Coastal Carolina -

May 17, 2017

Report: Keon Clergeot transfers to UMass basketball program -

May 15, 2017

Despite title-game loss, Meg Colleran’s brilliance in circle was an incredible feat -

May 14, 2017

UMass softball loses in heartbreaker in A-10 title game -

May 14, 2017

Navy sinks UMass women’s lacrosse 23-11 in NCAA tournament second round, ending Minutewomen’s season -

May 14, 2017

UMass softball advances to A-10 Championship game -

May 13, 2017

UMass basketball adds Rutgers transfer Jonathan Laurent -

May 13, 2017

UMass women’s lacrosse gets revenge on Colorado, beat Buffs 13-7 in NCAA Tournament First Round -

May 13, 2017

Meg Colleran dominates as UMass softball tops Saint Joseph’s, advances in A-10 tournament -

May 12, 2017

Rain keeps UMass softball from opening tournament play; Minutewomen earn A-10 honors -

May 11, 2017

Former UMass football wide receiver Tajae Sharpe accused of assault in lawsuit -

May 10, 2017

Justice Gorsuch can save the UMass GEO -

May 10, 2017

Minutemen third, Minutewomen finish fifth in Atlantic 10 Championships for UMass track and field -

May 8, 2017

UMass women’s lacrosse wins A-10 title for ninth straight season -

May 8, 2017

Dayton takes two from UMass softball in weekend series -

May 8, 2017

Rip them to shreds: dirty looks, hapless killer elicit more laughs than scares in slasher remake

stepfather web The credited director of “The Stepfather” is Nelson McCormick. The credited writer is J.S. Cardone. Those are incredibly creative names for what are clearly two monkeys who turned to Post-It notes with ideas written on them to devise the script for “The Stepfather.” The result of their effort is a completely unnecessary remake of a horror movie that has little originality or logic and features – probably to the chagrin of most would-be fans – no horror whatsoever.

“The Stepfather” is a remake of the 1987 movie of the same name. The original starred Terry O’Quinn, who has since moved on to greener pastures, playing John Locke on the television show “Lost.” This version stars Dylan Walsh, who is best known for his part on the show “Nip/Tuck.” He should hope that is all he is known for, as this movie isn’t going to do him any favors.

“The Stepfather” is about a man (Walsh) who marries into families, but when they don’t measure up to his high ideals, he murders them. When this movie begins he has just murdered one family and is in search of another. He finds one in a grocery store, wooing Susan (Sela Ward) by asking her where the peanut butter is. How romantic. Thanks to the magic that shoddy scriptwriting provides, six months later the two are engaged and living in domestic bliss, until the sound of bad rock music signals the arrival Michael (Penn Badgley), who does not take kindly to his mother’s new prospective husband. He tries to warn everyone, but they don’t listen.

If only they had heard the foreboding music.

“The Stepfather” is meant to be a horror movie. It’s obvious that what happens on screen is supposed to be scary. But it’s all tired, old clichés that have already been seen. Within a few scenes, you’ll be able to figure out the entire movie. This is a shame because there are no scares or thrills to occupy you until the end. A four-year old with a crippling anxiety disorder wouldn’t be frightened by this movie.

It doesn’t help that the main character, the dread “Stepfather,” isn’t menacing in the faintest. Movies like these depend upon the villain being an unstoppable force of nature. But here, he’s just an idiot. When the local cat lady sees his face on “America’s Most Wanted,” she tries to warn the rest of the neighborhood. So what does our villain do? He drives by her house not once, but twice, whilst giving her a threatening look. That’ll shut her up.

While having dinner with Michael he talks about his last family, who died in a car accident (but not really). He mentions his daughter Michelle and a few minutes later calls her Lisa. Michael confronts him and his explanation is that Michael heard him wrong. Oh, of course, his mistake.

“The Stepfather” is filled with these sorts of slip-ups. He remembers the wrong lies, or says the wrong things and the poor, innocent victims turn out to be smarter than him. It’s really a movie about a hapless serial killer and all the stupid things he does. The fact that he’s murdered nearly 10 people and doesn’t seem to think that warrants a spot on “America’s Most Wanted” shows how clever and cunning he is. Hannibal Lecter eats men like this for breakfast.

I doubt the world was clamoring for a remake of the original “Stepfather,” except for that one guy, and who cares about him? He’ll see this movie and weep at how it’s besmirched the original’s good name. This is a boring, mindless film that will put you to sleep before scaring you. Mercifully though, it is under two hours. At least the monkeys did something right.

Danny Marchant can be reached at dmmarcha@student.umass.edu.

Leave A Comment