Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

A free and responsible press serving the UMass community since 1890

Massachusetts Daily Collegian

Collegian offers some New Year

New Year’s resolutions are made by millions only to be forgotten by the time Groundhog Day rolls around. The same holds true for Hollywood.

Which is why I have made new resolutions for those needy in Tinseltown, who in one way or another, need to recommit themselves into becoming better in the year 2001.

Jennifer Lopez and Puff Daddy resolve to keep attorneys and columnists happy.

Christina Aguilera resolves to stop hitting high notes in unnecessary places.

Madonna resolves to stop making such bloody horrible movies.

Whitney Houston and Robert Downey Jr. resolve to quit smoking pot.

After the year 2000 gave us a slew of forgettable movies, Hollywood resolves to release quality films in 2001.

Networks resolve to stop making shows out of Hollywood’s leading ladies (Bette, The Geena Davis Show, anyone?).

After losing any integrity TV journalism had in Indecision 2000, networks resolve to announce authenticated facts on developing stories.

The Backstreet Boys resolve to look human again. The boys-to-men makeover showed me the meaning of being terrified!

MTV resolves to stop the never-ending shows and start playing more music videos.

Music studios resolve to stop manufacturing bubblegum pop music. How many boy bands are we up to now?

Eminem resolves to quit using his extraordinary writing talent on hate-induced, rage churning rhymes.

Angelina Jolie resolves to keep her hands off of her brother.

Dan Rather resolves to continue using his figuratively conveying speech and hilarious phrases on prime time news. (‘[Bush’s] lead is now shakier than cafeteria Jell-O.’)

Networks resolve to stop producing more award shows.

Destiny’s Child resolves to stop playing musical chairs with its’ members. Say your name, say your name? We would if we could.

Richard Hatch (‘Survivor’ winner) resolves to keep his clothes on.

Lars Ulrich of Metallica resolves to stop his tight-ass approach to end Napster.

Fox resolves to never again create a show that is remotely similar to ‘Who Wants to Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire?’

Darva Conger resolves to ditch her innocent, sweet-girl demeanor.

Limp Bizkit and Creed frontman Fred Durst and Scott Stapp resolve to act their age and put their differences behind themselves.

David Blaine, the ‘magician’ who encased himself in a block of ice for nearly 62 hours, resolves to focus on actual magical stunts.

Jon Travolta resolves to never again make another Battlefield Earth.

Hollywood resolves to stop making more teen movies.

Teen pop stars resolve to allow professionals to write all of their music.

Musical artists resolve to stop singing (or is that barking?) about who let the dogs out.

‘Total Request Live’ resolves to eliminate the increasing use of games on the show and play more of artists’ videos.

Hollywood resolves to amend a potentially devastating advertisement strike (no new movies, no new TV). Because, for the love of God, what would we do without entertainment? Besides, we wouldn’t be able to make a list like this next year.

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