Last week I decided that I needed a new job. As much as I like the Collegian, I thought that it was time for me to try my hand at a new profession. After all, what is college without wanton experimentation?

I thought of all sorts of possible jobs, but none interested me as much as one: tow-truck driver. So I gathered my gumption, dropped off an application, and two days later, I was a full-fledged tower for the good people at Amherst Towing.

In case any of you were interested in working for the good people at Amherst Towing, I thought that I’d describe my first and, as you will read, last night on the job. Here’s my journal.

Friday Night:

9:00 P.M. – First call comes in. “Sam, can you get down to the Post Office near Rao’s? We have a contract to tow overnight parkers, but hey, it’s fine if we get them now. It’s the beginning of the evening for most people and they won’t be expecting it. Sure, we know that nobody else needs to park there, but we’d rather make the money off the poor people whose cars we are going to legally steal.”

So I went down the parking lot and towed nine cars, each at a cost of at least $95 to the individual who owns the car. One person, as I was towing her automobile, asked me why I was doing it. “Uh, town law ma’am.” I lied.

She didn’t have the $95 or a ride to the parking place, so it cost her another $20 the next day.

Sucker.

10:30 P.M. – driving on Main Street in Amherst, I notice a car on the side of the street with its blinkers on. It looks like someone ran into Bueno or Pasta Y Basta or Thai Corner to grab dinner – and left me a car to tow. Even though everything about its stop was perfectly legal, I decide to tow anyway. Like I was taught at Amherst Towing, it’s better to steal a legal car than not make any money at all.

11:00 P.M. – somebody just called me “a motherf-cker” for towing a car from his, he claimed, “legal” parking space. He also alleged that he paid rent and his driveway was his to park in.

Of course, none of that matters to me, because I work at Amherst Towing. I don’t care about things like “common courtesy” or “the law.”

11:15 P.M. – excitement! A call comes in from the office. There’s a bus that ran out of gas on 116. It was bringing orphans to UMass for a visit. It needs to be towed immediately, with the kids inside. If nobody from the orphanage can get the car out of hock tonight, everybody stays locked in the bus. If it gets too cold, we’ll give them some gasoline soaked rags to burn for precious heat.

11:45 P.M. – driving around, I notice that somebody has had the audacity to pay for parking in downtown Amherst. I tow him for being a “good citizen.” When it comes to Amherst Towing, it’s better to be a total jerk than a nice guy.

12:15 A.M. – hanging out at the office, the UMass student whose car I towed earlier has come in cussing a storm. We had previously called the police to protect our illegal thieving activities because, apparently, the local police are just as corrupt as we are. Anyway, the policeman stands by as he cusses and screams.

To have the audacity to be angry after we only steal your car and demand, with the muscle of the local police, $95 to return it to you makes me sick. We are honest, working people. We are god-fearing. We’re just like everybody else in this community.

Except we steal cars.

12:37 A.M. – somebody just flicked me off, spit on my windshield and hit a sign. I’d started towing him while we were waiting at a light on North Pleasant. Hey, he was idling there while the light was red – that’s illegal right?

12:38 A.M. – he just broke my window in a rage. He’s claiming he did nothing wrong.

What do I care? I work for Amherst Towing.

12:39 A.M. – sue us? Please.

1:00 A.M. – just hanging out in the office figuring out different explanations for the $95 we charge on the first day.

Jimmy says, “$35 for towing, $35 for not damaging your car, $25 for not siphoning all of your gasoline?”

Jen says, “$1.50 for services rendered, $93.50 for a tip.”

I offer, “You’re getting a discount. We can charge anything we damn well feel like.”

I am offered a raise.

2:30 A.M. – the night is slowing down now. Now it’s just a matter of towing anybody parked that we feel like. We take special pleasure in towing cars with handicapped plates. They shouldn’t be driving anyway.

“Have no soul” – that’s the Amherst Towing motto.

3:00 A.M. – I towed a PVTA bus. It was driving students around. I felt that was inappropriate.

3:35 A.M. – somebody just asked me if I feel good about the work that I do. I realize that I have stolen 35 cars tonight, all of them illegal tows that are defended by the Amherst Police Department because we offer them a tremendous payoff to ignore our illegality. I have towed a bus of orphans, cars in traffic, legally parked cars, busses, and anybody else that I damn well want to.

3:50 A.M. – Thinking about the earlier question, I get a pit in my stomach. I wanted to help people. I fear that I have become one of the bad guys who ruins things for everybody else.

4:00 A.M. – I turned in my resignation. After one night, it dawned on me that tonight’s work wasn’t satisfying enough. Instead, I think I might deal drugs to children, or fire low-wage employees, or collect debts. Maybe I’ll rob the Salvation Army, or con old women, or pilfer pensions, or be an administrator for Enron.

Frankly, anything would be better than towing trucks. I might be a jerk, but I’m not that bad.

Sam Wilkinson is a Collegian columnist.