Are you in a television viewing rut? Tired of the same old “Must See TV?” Well, look no further than “Tube Notes” to supply you with some fresh viewing ideas. Get out your number 2 pencils and take the “Tube Notes Quiz” to determine which program that you probably don’t watch right now is best for you. If you can’t find an answer that you feel best represents you, just pick the closet one.
1. Time to sit down for a hearty dinner. What is your ideal meal?
A.) A juicy New York sirloin steak, mashed potatoes, with apple pie for desert, cause I love America!
B.) A live dove
C.) Cheese Pizza with Bubble Gum Ice Cream for dessert
D.) Skinless Chicken Breast, Slim Fast Shake, a raisin
E.) Ramen Noodle
2. What one characteristic of the opposite sex is most important?
A.) They better be a Republican!
B.) Green hair and lots of piercings
C.) Someone with a good personality and nice eyes
D.)A fast car, lots of money, and attractive
E.)Big boobs
3.)Big job interview coming up, what do you wear?
A.) Three piece suit and tie or female equivalent
B.) Pantera T-shirt, you refuse to conform
C.) Sport jacket with a funky tie
D.)The most expensive outfit you can find, regardless of look
E.) The only jobs you can get don’t require interviews, just filling
out applications
4.)You’re driving down the street, what music is blaring out of your boomin’ system?
A.) Talk radio, music is just a bunch of noise, bad influence on the kids
B.)Burnt By The Sun, Morf, Cannibal Corpse, Fatal Exception
C.) N’sync, BSB, Britney, O-Town
D.)Whatever is “cool” at the time
E.) You don’t own a car. You stay in room you listen to Linkin Park, and Limp Bizkit all day
5.)If you were a rapper, you’d be……
A.) Will Smith, everyone else swears too much
B.)Don’t listen to that stuff
C.) Lil Bow Wow
D.) Ja Rule
E.)Eminem
6.)When it comes to your hair you…..
A.) Comb it to the side or down the middle, gotta play it straight
B.)Are on a shampoo strike, bugs have set up a colony in it
C.)Use a half a bottle of gel or hairspray on it everyday
D.)Spend 50 dollars every two weeks on a cut at the best salon in town
E.)Keep it shaved, or just let it hang there
7.) For Spring break, you are….
A.)Catching up on all those issues of “The Nation” you missed
B.)Following “Metal Fest” across the nation
C.)Going home to spend some qt with mom, dad and little sister
D.)Heading to Cancun, The Bahamas etc, hoping to “hook up”
E.)Playing Snood
8.)Your relationship with your mom is….
A.) Good, after all she did a great job raising me, look how good I turned out
B.)What mother?
C.)The best!
D.)Good, as long as she keeps paying the bills for me
E.)She’s a pain in the ass
9.)When you’re enjoying a cold soda, it is usually
A.) Coke, a real American soda
B.)Pepsi, you’re a rebel
C.)Orange Soda, it’s so sweet!
D.)Diet Coke or Pepsi, gotta watch the weight
E.) Jolt
10.)It’s Saturday night and your at a raging party. There is an ample supply of drugs and booze, what is your drug of choice?
A.)Beer, it is the only thing that is legal
B.)Acid
C.)Don’t touch any of it, drugs are bad.
D.) Some E dude, it’s the cool thing at the clubs
E.)Don’t go to parties, drink whatever is in parents liquor cabinet
Done with the quiz. Here’s what your results mean. If you come up with a tie, try watching both and pick your favorite.
Mostly A’s: You are a true conservative that is tired of the “liberal” stance of the media and television in general. Those hippies hanging out by the People’s Market make your blood boil. Your ideal show: “The O”Reilly Factor” with Bill O’Reilly, weeknights at 8 p.m. on FoxNews, starring hard-hitting journalist and best selling author Bill O’Reilly.
Mostly B’s:You don’t want to waste your time being another casualty of society. Most of what’s on TV makes you want to upchuck. If you see another N’sync video on MTV you are going to put a brick through your television set. However, there is one saving grace in popular culture for you: metal, and especially the lovable Ozzy Osbourne. Therefore, your ideal show is “The Osbourne Family Show,” starring Ozzy Osbourne, airing Tuesdays at 10:30 p.m. on MTV.
Mostly C’s: Whether you want to admit it or not, you are a teenybopper at heart. If you’re a guy, you secretly listen to N’sync, love using the smiley face icon on Instant Messenger and love shopping at Old Navy. If you’re a girl, you have posters of popstars plastered on your walls, and spend most nights on the phone talking about your crush, while painting your toenails and reading Cosmo Girl. Of course, the ideal show for you is “Making The Band” starring The Big O, O-Town, airing as a part of the “Saturday Night Hookup” on MTV, Saturdays at 9:00pm.
Mostly D’s: You are a conformist in every sense of the word. If it’s cool, you do it. Therefore, your ideal show is one wear all the “beautiful people” try to act as cool as possible. Your ideal show is “Dismissed,” MTV’s dating show, which airs constantly at random times.
Mostly E’s: Regular television doesn’t satisfy your primal urges. You are a bit of loser. Your best friend is your high-speed Internet connection. You have an imaginary girlfriend/boyfriend. The ideal show for you is watching the scrambled porno channel, airing nightly on pay-per-view and Skinamax. You don’t have a job, so there’s no money for you to buy the porno, so you just sit there and listen to the yelling sounds and stare at the scrambled screen hoping to catch a glimpse of something. Other recommended viewing: Any “Star Trek” marathon.
So there you have it, the shows that you, the Tube Notes reader, are most compatible with. Happy viewing.
Kurt Polesky is a Collegian columnist wholly fueled by Ramen noodles and orange soda. He thinks The Fast and the Furious got robbed by the Oscars.
