Hello, vigilant citizen and fellow patriot. The Project for a New American Century is proud to present “The Patriot’s Field Guide to Winning an Election.” This short guide will teach you what it takes to beat the democrats and conquer an election like a real neo-con.

In this guide, you will learn the awesome strategy of our hero-in-chief George W. Bush – a man who valiantly led the one-man retreat of the Texas Air National Guard home base in 1972.

This guide will only have one edition, as we expect that as a true American you will smile, nod, and request no further clarification.

Step One: When Enemies Attack

In the event that 11 intelligence agencies from around the world offer you specific warnings of a large-scale attack, it’s important to stay calm. Take a bath, jog, play golf and read about pet sheep. If an agency provides you with a list of terrorists inside the U.S., discard this list immediately. The last thing you would want is for these guys to get caught. Just let them do their job. As the PNAC asserts, America needs a “catalyzing event – like a new Pearl Harbor,” to get those flags waving and those guns blazing.

When the attack actually happens, chances are that there will be a lot of screaming and bloodshed. This is perfectly normal during a forewarned attack. Act surprised. Immediately call your political advisor and be sure to have a lot of cameras handy. Pictures of your shocked-yet-cool face make good press and make even better souvenirs to peddle for campaign contributions.

Step Two: Domestic and Foreign Possibility

You’re probably thinking that it’s impossible to find all those terrorists and bring them to justice. It can be done, but why bother? It’s far too time consuming and elections are right around the corner! It is much more convenient to go after whole regimes instead. We at the organization suggest Iraq as a warm-up.

Because of the shock and awe of an attack on American soil, Americans will be more vulnerable than usual to suggestions made by leaders and the media.

Appeal to the people with stories of torture chambers and “rape factories,” and insist that Iraq had a lot to do with the attack on their country.

Assure them that Iraq will “welcome us a liberators,” and don’t be afraid to interject with comments like “He tried to kill ma’ Daddy.” It all just adds to the fun of fooling everyone.

Now, there’s a little thing called the United Nations that stands in your way. In order to start a war, you’ll have to show them proof of an imminent threat. This can be done by forging the necessary documents, or with blatant lies, office bugging and even blackmail. Don’t worry; they probably don’t speak English anyway. If all else fails, just pretend that they don’t exist. After all, we ARE America, aren’t we?

Step Three: Dissention at Home

This is a big problem among these so-called “liberals.” You should suggest to the public that they are a major part of the problem.

Ask people to put American flags EVERYWHERE. Be sure to chastise anyone who refuses to line local streets with countless American flags. Use slogans like “Support our Troops” to tangle the public in a web of abstraction. Remember: if they don’t like our war, they don’t like our soldiers either.

For a little fun, renaming popular foods in support of the war is an option (See the book: “101 Ways to Eat your Liberty”).

Step Four: Victory!

Things may not go as planned, but it is important to not acknowledge this. Let the liberals do all the acknowledging.

Instead, dress up in your favorite military attire and fly around on a fighter jet, like in the movie “Independence Day.” Land on an aircraft carrier and declare the war is over – even if it clearly isn’t.

Let the public know, however, that because the situation is so unstable, you’ll need to stay on to fix the mess. Let them know that it wasn’t your fault, either.

Step Five: Time to Campaign

While using the attacks as a backdrop to your campaign, you should emphasize how much you have done for people in OTHER countries. If necessary, bring up the torture chambers and “rape factories” again for emphasis.

Try to not bring up domestic issues. Instead, preach about the imminence of more attacks. When they happen, take a minute to congratulate yourself on a job well done. This is what defending America is all about. Repeat “I told you so” ad nauseum, take a pretzel break, and go back to step one.