This little equation above is the answer to all of our post 9/11/ crappy president/ recession (as though a republican president would produce anything else) woes. The time of enlightenment has arrived, friends. Finally, the sainted lawmakers have decided to consider the possibility that gay people are actually human beings and not just some weird figment of everyone’s imagination. I actually think that the right wing was thinking that some day we gays and lesbians would throw back our Madonna CD collections, glitter pants, “Ellen” DVDs, and lady-mullet hair cuts and say, “Just kidding! Sike!”

That’s not going to happen, EVER. We’re here, we’re queer, and now if the Supreme Court decides that our relationships are as valid as heterosexual relationships, we’re going to save the economy by partaking in the “sacred” (ha ha ha) right of marriage.

I can’t believe that the conservatives of the nation haven’t seen the obvious benefits that gay marriage would absolutely ensure. If we look through the periscope of gay male stereotypes, we will find the seeds of an economic upswing that is unparalleled by any idiot-boy king tax cuts:

Gay men, having no family responsibilities, have LOTS of available money.

Gay men, being fabulous, LOVE to shop.

Gay men LOVE to drink.

These three items add up to the budding business of gay marriage. These weddings would be enormous gala events that would cost thousands, even millions of dollars apiece. If the conservatives end up being right about how fickle and non-committed gay relationships are, think of the turnover that could occur. The ceremonies would only be bigger and more expensive the second, third or tenth time around, which only mean more economic stimulation and more circles of high fashion guests doing the “chicken dance” to the tune of $500,000+.

I am shocked (not really) by the resistance that gay marriage is encountering from conservatives. Where is their venture capitalist spirit? What happened to the adherence to the market economy that America stands for? Conservatives worry that if marriage is not defined as a union between a man and a woman, people will start marrying anything, like goats or other farm animals. I would think that these cold venture capitalists would say “let them marry anything, let them marry a goat as long as they pay for it, and pay big.” I am disappointed.

Personally, I am probably going to end up alone, and I kind of want people to buy me toasters, VCRs, the Ronco Food Dehydrator, a Pilates machine (Mom, I know you’re reading) and various other marriage gifts. I kind of want a five-tier cheesecake-wedding confection with my name strewn about in white flowery icing. If I’m going to be an old gay all by myself, I want to embrace it, so, if I want to get married even to myself, I want to be able to do it. I want to wear a wedding band on each hand and be the lone man at the top of the wedding cake if I so desire.

All joking aside, gay marriage needs to happen for one reason and only one: gay people are human beings.

Human beings need love, they need to give love, and there is no greater joy than to share love with someone and have that love be recognized by family, friends, and the law. To have an important partnership be devalued by a nation that is founded on the principal that human beings are equal in all lights is truly disappointing.

If you have ever asked yourself why gays feel the need to celebrate gay pride, if you have devalued gay pride because you feel it’s foolish and that there is no “straight pride” day, consider this: every day is a straight pride day; every space is a heterosexual space; every billboard, magazine, and television show features straight relationships.

To say that gays feel dispossessed and disenchanted by the omission of our lives from mainstream culture (save a few guest spots on teen dramas or stereotypical reality/make-over shows) is an understatement. Michael Thelwell, professor of African American Studies here at UMass quoted Martin Luther King Jr. in his History of the Civil Rights course last fall, saying, ‘The arc of the universe is bent toward justice, toward freedom.’ I certainly hope so.