After pouring over this beloved newspaper every day last year from cover to cover, and now writing my fifth column for the Massachusetts Daily Collegian, I like to think of myself as someone who knows how to write a half decent article. Unfortunately, as a columnist of sorts, I fall into the stumbling areas of writer’s block, and I can only imagine that my fellow columnists fall into the same trap. So, after careful observation of the endless opinions I have read, I bring to the Collegian “Zach Oelschlegel’s Guide to Writing Editorials,” in an attempt to help myself and other Collegian columnists come up with excellent journalism when we’re out of ideas.
The trick to writing a trendy article is to find a way to bash George Bush. Yes, it is simply that easy. There are countless websites where you can find the next laughable thing our president said. One of the best ways to lampoon Dubya is to take the word “strategery,” and create an entire column focusing on the stupidity of such a word, and why Mr. Bush should be impeached for having the language IQ of salami. Or, simply resort to name-calling and refer to our president as a butthead, getting at least a few laughs from the six-year-old leftists. Do not, however, even think about mocking Bill Clinton’s “is” controversy, as blasting a democrat is a journalistic faux pas here in Massachusetts.
Naturally, there’s only so much vocabulary a columnist can analyze, so why not try out your hand at some hilarious satire? Campus favorites include writing sarcastic letters to Mr. Bush and commending him for a job well done (NOT!), and then finishing the story by telling us particularly unsavvy readers that you were kidding, followed by you patting yourself on the back for using such inspirational side-splitting comic wit. Sarcastic tones go especially well with the “No Blood for Oil” chant, and the rah-rah “Anybody but Bush” mantra. Throw in a few lines about how Bush has been in bed with every CEO from the Fortune 500 companies if you aren’t at the 750-word benchmark.
For your next article, instead of going after one conservative, go after his entire cabinet and maybe a couple more of these “cronies” the democrats keep speaking of. Write them a sarcastic letter in the same fashion you wrote a letter to Bush! No one will care anyway, just as long as what you write is about the Evil Empire called the Yankees … er, Republicans. Finish your article with the slogan “Bush Sucks!!”
Potential topics for conservative-bashing include stereotyping them for alleged stereotyping of minorities. Ignore the fact that you are doing the same thing you are bashing them for, because in our great state of Massachusetts, no one cares about hypocrisy, especially if it involves a right-wing activist. Continue to make outrageous assumptions about conservatives and finish this article stating that the Republican Club is filled with dimwits, and that if it were legal, they would all try to fornicate with kangaroos.
Keep in mind that there is no middle ground in politics. Use Bush’s “If you are not with us then you are against us” catchphrase and apply the same to political beliefs. There is no such thing as a true democrat unless he follows the Howard Dean model, leaving moderate democrats like Joe Lieberman in the category of “ultra-conservatives.” Likewise, if you are a minority, bash republicans for not accepting you and then denounce Clarence Thomas for being an “Uncle Tom.”
Since it is such an important tool of this writing guide, I will repeat it: hypocrisy in your arguments doesn’t matter.
Lastly, to really stir up some controversy, make a snide comment about Christianity. True separation of church and state means that all politicians must be atheists; it is a scientific fact that these so called “Men of God” have brains made of fried bologna mixed with Cracker Jack. You can trump Bush’s religion and still condemn him for how he discriminates against the Muslims.
In conclusion, I just want to say that it also does not matter if the same points have been made in previous articles, or if you have written an article of similar caliber recently. What really matters is that UMass knows that all republicans would love for nothing less than to wipe out all minorities in a gruesome genocide not unlike the Holocaust, and would jump at the chance to fornicate with certain marsupials. If beating that into the heads of students is the only way to educate them, then so be it. We all know that around here people aren’t grading us on our originality, as if that was of any importance.
