Sex-iversity is a question and answer column designed to provide important information and answers to questions regarding sex, sexuality, sexual orientation, sexually transmitted infections and reproductive rights. Voiced by Julia Kristan, a member of the Voices for Planned Parenthood (VOX) group here at the University of Massachusetts and an active volunteer for the Everywoman’s Center on campus, the column is intended to help educate the university community about reproductive health, rights, legislation and responsibilities. Much of the statistical information provided in this column derives from research done through and obtained by Planned Parenthood and its national affiliates.
Q. I was a virgin until recently. However, the first time I tried to have sex, I couldn’t get an erection. My girlfriend said it was probably nerves, but I’m still worried it might be erectile dysfunction or something serious. What should I do?
A. Before you start worrying too much, I have a question for you. Have you had difficulty getting or maintaining an erection in the past, under relaxed and stress-free conditions? If you answer yes, then I would recommend seeing a doctor – you could have something more than a bit of nerves. Keep in mind erectile dysfunction is the repeated inability to achieve and/or sustain an erection firm enough for sexual intercourse.
Being that this occurred the first time you tried to have sex, the odds seem to be saying that your “sub-par” experience was caused by some stage fright. The mind is the number one erogenous zone, and it can also be your worst enemy. If a male is nervous, tense or “trying too hard” to get an erection, his body will work against himself. Mother nature has provided humans with a fantastic fight or flight response, one that will make an erection impossible in times of danger or tension. Losing one’s virginity is, for many people, an exciting and slightly nerve-wracking experience. It is common for males to be unable to perform under such circumstances, and typically not a sign of any dysfunction or future impotence.
The key to dealing with the lack of an erection is seeing it for what it is: a minor, very temporary experience. For any readers who might find themselves in this situation (even men who have had sex a hundred times – it can happen to you, too), there are some simple things you can try.
Relax, take a breath or two, and I know it’s difficult, but try not to think about getting an erection. Remember, your body is in fight or flight mode and you’re probably not going to need Viagra to solve the problem.
Communicate with your partner about what you think might be happening. They will hopefully understand and not mind one bit if you cool things off for a while and try again later. Another good rule of thumb is allowing yourself and your partner adequate time and privacy to relax and take things slowly. Hooking up with someone at a party with people audibly outside the door, for example, won’t bode well for sexual success.
Human bodies are not perfect machines set to perform on command. We are incredible works of art and nature that sometimes bumble and fumble in the course of our lives. There are plenty of things that can temporarily “go wrong” in a given situation, most of which do not point to a larger health concern.
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