I’m a nice guy. I’m probably one of the nicest, most attractive future doctors you’ll ever meet. I’m the type of person who opens doors, pulls out chairs, and hands out Tiffany’s bracelets just to be friendly. But some things piss me off. Want some examples?

I hate you …

… if you held your nose while jumping into the pool when you were little; if you used to take your gum out of the wrapper, neatly fold it back up so it looked like it hadn’t been tampered with, and offered it to other kids just to screw with them; if you ever got a mouse trap to work; if you used to move the controller and make it jump when Mario jumped; or if you continued to watch professional wrestling after the seventh Ultimate Warrior died.

… if you had My Buddy and you let him ride shotgun in your Power Wheels instead of me; if you’re from Longmeadow; if you ever truly believed the outcome of M(ansion)A(partment)S(hack)H(ouse) or that magic squares folded paper game (“Pick a color … G-R-E-E-N … Pick a number … 1-2-3-4-5 … Ha, you’re going to marry Amanda.”); if you were an angel, a devil, or a cat for Halloween after freshmen year.

… if you didn’t know at least half the words to either the “Tiny Toon Adventures” or “Ducktails” theme songs at some point in your life.

… if the rims or the sound system on your car are more expensive than the car itself. Here’s a head’s up – it’s good to know that someone out there bought the new All-4-One album, but I don’t need to hear it when I’m waiting for the PVTA. It doesn’t make your car suck any less, so how about you trade in your rims for a new muffler?

… if you’re a guy who still wears jean shorts; if you don’t know the Contra code; if you slow danced to a Savage Garden song at a school dance, and then started making out 40 seconds into it; if you’ve never screamed, “Here I go again on my own,” at least once; if you ever owned a pony – it doesn’t matter whether it was real or “My Little;” if you cried when your mom dressed up like a clown for Halloween when you were five; if you use your instant messenger profile as a pathetic cry for help to document the train wreck that is your life (Wait a second, this deserves an entire column. I’m not lying. I hate you that much.)

… if during your “Baywatch” watching days, it never occurred to you that Mitch and Hobie Buchanon would kick everyone’s butt in a father-son topless slow-motion running contest; if you disagree with the statement that Wilson Phillips is the best band ever; if you never wore those one-piece pajamas with the built-in feet; if, at the beginning of the eighth season of “Family Matters” you didn’t turn to your mom and say, “Where the hell did Judy go?”; if episode 29 of “Punky Brewster,” where they get lost in the caves and she defeated that evil spirit thing with her love, didn’t scare the living (expletive) out of you; if you update your Ani DiFranco quotes in my AIM profile online journal twice a day.

… if your top three list of “cutest girls in sitcom history” doesn’t go as follows: 1) Olivia from “The Cosby Show” 2) Morgan from “Boy Meets World” (the first one, not her awful replacement) and 3) Michelle from “Full House” (but only for the first three seasons and only Mary Kate; watching Ashley say, “You got it dude,” is like being a kid and playing peek-a-boo with anyone other than your parents – it’s just a cheap imitation).

… if you had a swing set and could make it all the way down the slide without coming to that disappointing halt in the middle; if you used your fists on the Power Pad instead of your feet in Nintendo’s “Track and Field”; if you always used to fall asleep on the afternoon bus ride home in kindergarten and miss your stop, resulting in the filing of Missing Persons Reports (in which case I apparently also hate myself).

… if you’re a Collegian columnist who constantly uses lists instead of actual stories to hide your lack of ability as a writer.

Matt Brochu is a Collegian columnist