Sex-iversity is a question and answer column designed to provide important information and answers to questions regarding sex, sexuality, sexual orientation, sexually transmitted infections and reproductive rights. Voiced by Julia Kristan, a member of the Voices for Planned Parenthood (VOX) group here at the University of Massachusetts, and an active volunteer for the Everywoman’s Center on campus, the column is intended to help educate the University community about reproductive health, rights, legislation and responsibilities. Much of the statistical information provided in this column derives from research done through and obtained by Planned Parenthood and its national affiliates.

Q. I want to try some new things sexually with my partner, but I don’t know how to ask. Do you have any suggestions?

A. The simple answer to this question is “communication.” That will help you very much when you want to introduce toys or new positions to your sexual life, or even if you want to help anyone to start a sexual life.

If you look back at your health classes in high school, the odds are that your teacher primarily talked about saying no to various situations. The focus in such classes is often not on how to ask for sex and how to truly communicate your desires and feelings. I see this as problematic, as questions and communication revolving around sex help to ascertain consent.

Consent is a wonderful thing. Without it, sex legally becomes rape. With it, sex can be fulfilling and enjoyable for all parties involved.

A good rule of thumb I’ve found is that if you can’t talk about it frankly, then you probably shouldn’t be doing it. If you are feeling real shame or regret regarding sexual experiences, take a close look at what you believe and what you’re doing. There’s no reason to force things. Talking about sex and physical intimacy with a person you trust is a good way to practice communication.

If you have a friend or family member with whom you are close to, take advantage of the opportunity to talk about things. If you’re talking about a topic for the first time, it might be a bit difficult. I promise things get easier the more open and honest you are. If you or your partner (or friend/family member) is turning bright red, take a moment and relax, and don’t forget about humor. Sex can be a funny topic.

It’s natural to be nervous as well. Being members of this society, the majority of us aren’t raised with the ability to talk openly about sex and emotions. It’s a skill that takes practice and a little bit of courage at first.

In a sexual relationship, each person has a responsibility to be honest and considerate. This means “checking in” with the other person regularly. Checking-in with someone can be as easy as asking, “Is this okay for you?” or, “How are you doing?”

Answering questions honestly is likewise important. If something feels painful, uncomfortable or just plain wrong, let the other person know. It’s never too late to change your mind on what is OK. Consent on one act does not mean consent on another. Consent at the beginning of intercourse, for example, does not necessarily mean consent 30 seconds later. In a society that puts huge blame on rape and sexual assault survivors, asking questions before, during and after physical intimacy is vital.

Try using some of the following phrases out before you act:
“Do you want to try something different?”
“I was thinking of using a toy. What do you think?”
“Are you comfortable with this?”
“Is this hurting you?”
“Do you want to stop?”
“I feel ready to have sex, do you?”
“I was reading about . Would you want to try that?”
“What do you want?”

Sex usually isn’t like what you see in the movies – glamorous and fantastic every time. It can be messy, too short, too long, comical, awkward or just not right for the time being. Don’t forget your pleases, your thank yous, and some protection. Those three things will go a long way to care for all parties involved.

Questions? Comments? E-mail [email protected]. Confidentiality is always respected.