It’s every sports fan’s dream. Get up at noon. Take the dog for a walk. Plop down on the couch to watch every NFL game.
1:01 p.m. – Kickoff in the Cincy-Baltimore game.
1:08 – 65-year-old Gary Anderson hits a 40-yard field goal. Anyone else yearning for Al Del Greco?
1:11 – First “Real Men of Genius” commercial of the day. One of the best ad campaigns of the past few years.
1:13 – “Now that’s a Larry Allen block right there.” Seriously, all Cris Collinsworth needs is a “BOOM!” and he’s got his own bus, video game and a Tinactin contract.
1:19 – The dog is blocking the receiver for the remote. This day is off to a flying start.
1:23 – Byron Leftwich hits Jimmy Smith in stride for a beautiful touchdown. This kid is definitely going to be better than Carson Palmer.
1:27 – Aaron Brooks finds Boo Williams for a wide-open touchdown. Two touchdowns in four minutes. I’m definitely on with the remote today.
1:32 – I decide it’s time to check the bottom of the barrel today – Oakland/Pittsburgh and San Diego/Detroit. Fortunately, both games are in commercial. Nice.
1:34 – Beasley Reese is doing the Jacksonville-Houston game. Note to self: avoid channel 709.
1:35 – “It’ll be third and … about the size of that official’s shoe.” Dick Enberg, you make me chuckle. McNair sneaks it in from two out and the Titans are up 10-0. I’ve seen all four touchdowns in the NFL today.
1:41 – Oakland-Pitt is the only game not in commercial. Seriously, that’s not funny.
1:49 – CBS shows a Saturn commercial featuring running clowns. Not the funny kind. The scary kind.
1:55 – NASCAR on FOX gets a plug during the Minnesota-Seattle game. First, the season doesn’t begin for three months. Second, do they think Seattle and Minnesota are key markets for NASCAR?
1:58 – I happen upon a commercial with a guy with back hair. Thank you, remote inventor.
2:04 – Ed Hochuli is the best referee in the league. He is decisive, clear and usually right.
2:14 – Anthony Wright nails Travis Taylor downfield. Remember when people were talking about the quarterback controversy between Kyle Boller and Chris Redman? Yeah, that was this season.
2:30 – The halftime show bonanza. Who’s worse, Terry Bradshaw or Deion Sanders? Please, just let it end…
2:34 – Jeff Fisher says, “This means time out” to the ref while making a “T” with his hands. Hysterical. Abusing the ref should be rewarded when it’s done creatively.
2:42 – Philly goes up 17-10 on a shovel pass to Duce Staley. This is the team to beat in the NFC, which makes AFC fans excited.
2:46 – My friend Jay calls. His car won’t start. Jay was bringing the Wings. Uh-oh.
3:09 – My girlfriend hears the news about Jay and says, “We need another Wingman.” Comedy.
3:11 – Jamal Lewis scores on a pitch from five yards out. If this guy isn’t an MVP, it’s only because the Ravens don’t make the playoffs. And if he keeps playing like this, they will.
3:16 – The Bengals offensive line is reminding me of the Drew Bledsoe-era Pats’ pass blocking. It’s that prevailing “you deserve better than this” feeling.
3:25 – The Vikings have a simple offensive scheme. Get guys who can catch anything and can run fast, and find a quarterback who can throw the ball high and far. Some of Daunte Culpepper’s touchdown passes remind me of the way you could throw the ball any distance in Tecmo Bowl.
3:29 – Jon Kitna hits Will Demps between the numbers. But Demps plays for Baltimore. It makes me sad. I love Kitna. Seriously, I have a jersey from his Seattle days. I know, I know.
3:31 – Lewis again. Why bother throwing the ball? This guy is a truck.
3:35 – Frank Wycheck gets his 500th career reception, joining Kellen Winslow, Ozzie Newsome and Shannon Sharpe. That’s some nice company for a guy who is one of the most underrated players of his era.
3:41 – The only game that is within one score is the Lions-Chargers game. Wow, is it 4:00 yet?
3:45 – The Ravens are just good enough to be scary but just bad enough to be overlooked. They are the team that nobody wants to play.
3:54 – Another blind-side turnover caused by the Baltimore pass rush. Put this game in the books.
4:01 – The Bucs stop New Orleans on fourth down to end it. Only Indy-Tennessee left for the 1 p.m. games.
4:05 – Wings are here. Hallelujah.
4:16 – Steve McNair drives downfield and gives the Titans a chance to tie. On the conversion attempt, the Colts tip the ball and stay ahead. This has turned into a classic game.
4:20 – At long last, the snow bowl begins in Foxboro.
4:24 – Peyton Manning catches his own pass, forcing the Titans to take a time out. You couldn’t script a better game.
4:25 – Justin McCareins fumbles the ball on a punt return. Game, set, match Indy.
4:32 – Miami commits a personal foul, giving the Pats a 1st-and-goal. Side note: I love Bernie Kukar’s accent. It’s just enough that you have to know the hand signals to understand exactly what is going on.
4:35 – Vinatieri’s kick just barely goes over the upright. 3-0 Pats, thank you, God.
4:37 – Just checked the Chiefs game just in time to see Priest Holmes poke the ball in. The “veteran” Morten Andersen kicks the extra point. I realize that “veteran” is NFL-speak for old.
4:39 – I flip to the San Fran-Arizona game. “Even though Randy Moss was a knucklehead, his teammates realized he was a knucklehead and didn’t let it bother them.” What? I think I’ll avoid channel 719 too.
4:41 – Oakland had four yards passing today. Glad I missed most of that one.
4:45 – Kevin Harlan announces there is over one foot of snow in New England. Talk about an understatement.
4:46 – Jim Nantz says there are more than two feet of snow. I always liked you, Jim.
4:49 – There’s no footing on the field and the Pats line up with five wides and a shotgun set. Seriously.
4:56 – “I think I said [Eugene] Wilson was from Central Florida. He’s from Illinois.” How does this guy have a job?
5:00 – Harlan and Randy Cross are conversing on camera. Aren’t there FCC regulations against showing people with hair like Cross’?
5:07 – A Dolphins O-lineman breaks his helmet. File that under “Things I’ve never seen before.”
5:16 – Snoop Dogg just said “wait just one minizzle” to Jerry Stiller in an AOL commercial. I never thought I would see those two in the same place. Ever.
5:35 – Vinatieri misses. How does that happen, even in a blizzard?
5:35 – Phil Simms on a Denver punt: “That kick was so bad, it was good.” Thanks for the wisdom Phil.
5:52 – The clown commercial is on again. It really is kind of frightening.
6:15 – Rodney Harrison nails Fiedler on a blitz. PICK UP THE BALL! FALL ON IT! Mike Vrabel finally grabs it. Sweet.
6:18 – Arizona’s on the board. Only down 29 points.
6:19 – Armen Keteyan and Simms are having a discussion about keeping their hands from getting dry in Denver. Kill me now.
6:21 – Jay Fiedler is beginning to throw with accuracy. Could we get some more snow in here please?
6:32 – Portis busts it loose to put Denver up 10. Home field here we come.
6:38 – Deion Branch is railed but holds on to the ball for a first down. He’s money today.
6:43 – Fiedler’s pass gets tipped by Tedy Bruschi, who somehow holds on, and walks in for the touchdown. Just to add to the absurdity of the game, Vinatieri’s extra point hits both uprights before going in. Fans are throwing snow all over the place. Only in New England.
6:48 – Denver is up big. Home field is in the Pats’ hands.
6:56 – Promo No. 17 for “Undercover Christmas.” It still looks like the worst movie ever made. I don’t care if “Oscar nominee” Tyne Daly is in it. Obviously she made a mistake.
6:58 – How many big interceptions has Ty Law made in his career? Add one more. There’s your true defensive leader.
7:06 – Tom Brady pooches a punt that gets downed at the 1-
yard line. Who needs a punter, anyway?
7:09 – Fourth and 8 from the 3. A safety. What a perfect way to finish off this game. A full day. I need a nap.
Matt Brady is a Collegian columnist.
