Welcome back, kids. Hope everyone had a stress-free, textbook-free, disease-free winter break. It’s always refreshing to go back home and celebrate the holiday season for five-entirely-too-long weeks doing the same things with the same friends in the same furnished basements of the same houses we’ve always hung out in. It’s a wonder we even bothered to come to school in the first place. Well, contrary to popular belief, current events have actually continued to occur during this winter break. Here’s a brief rundown of what you may have missed.

Saddam Hussein was captured, or should I say rescued, from a hole smaller than the ones I used to dig at the beach when I was 11. Was it just me, or did anyone else feel the tiniest bit of sympathy for this guy while watching CNN that day?

Think about the “before and after” aspect of it all.

Before: President Hussein had 37 wives, two caring sons and 12 adoring look-a-likes. After: He has his beard checked for lice on national TV by a doctor who looks like he’d rather be using his left hand to artificially inseminate a cow.

Before: Saddam carried the prestigious title of “Human Being Most Likely to Go To Hell.” After: He is now “The Most Eligible Booty in Baghdad County Correctional Facility.” In the eyes of an inmate, taking Saddam’s prison-virginity is almost as priceless as being the first to bag Iraq’s version of the Olsen twins.

Before: Saddam’s life was worth billions of dollars in ransom money. After: His life is worth three cartons of cigarettes and a nudie magazine (which in Iraq means pictures of women in jeans and T-shirts).

In sports news, the Sox didn’t make the trade for A-Rod. The only silver lining I could find from this lack of a transaction was seeing the looks of disappointment on the faces of all the girls who wanted him because “he’s cute.” Well, in that case, we do need a fifth starting pitcher, so we might as well sign Jonathan Taylor Thomas to a deal and call it a day. For the time being, it looks like Nomar and Mia will be raising their extremely large-nosed child in Massachusetts, which definitely isn’t a worst-case scenario.

Then there’s the debate about Pete Rose’s possible reinstatement to baseball. When it comes to this issue, if you’re not a sports fan, then you don’t care. If you’re not interested in gambling, then you don’t care. And if you’re Pete Rose, you especially don’t care. I mean, throughout the last few weeks he’s been harder to like than Veronica from the “Real World/Road Rules Challenge.” For both of them, it always has been and always will be about the money, and if it takes showering with the entire “Road Rules” team to get it, then so be it.

Speaking of the “Real World/Road Rules Challenge”… sitting down on your couch and flipping to MTV to learn that a marathon is on is like starting to read a really good Maxim article while you’re taking care of business in the bathroom. You know that you have much better things to do than sit around there all day, but there’s absolutely no way you’re getting up until you’ve reached it’s conclusion. It’s almost as difficult to leave that couch as it is to say “Real World/Road Rules” three times fast. This isn’t something I’m proud of.

Also, anyone who isn’t a fan of Sarah on that show is absolutely heartless. At the start of each mission, she transforms into helpless, retarded-finned Nemo, but when her teammates throw her into the gauntlet she becomes Magnus ver Magnusson. There’s no doubt in my mind that if my high school had a jumbotron, her face would be put up there during the girl’s soccer pre-game warm-ups, with either “Eye of the Tiger” or “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” playing in the background. She’s really that inspirational.

Insert paragraph full of obvious, over-used “Britney Spears’ wedding” and “Michael Jackson’s molestation” jokes here. For example: “Billy Jean is not my lover, but little Billy Gene Quimby looks pretty damn good in his Osh Kosh B’gosh overalls today.” I am above these kinds of comments. Moving on.

Surprise, surprise. The University is still in search of a new president. This is odd, considering that Mitt Romney has pretty much turned UMass into that strict, uptight couple who no one wants to baby-sit for because they expect you to supervise their two year old’s ancient Japanese lessons while paying you in nothing but Friendly’s sundae coupons. Not only that, but their children spend more time dodging pepper spray balls than they do studying. I do have some advice for the search committee. Under the job postings link on the UMass presidential Web site, it reads: “No jobs are available at this time.” For some reason, it seems like you’re just not trying hard enough.

In other news, the United States landed something on Mars. A flu epidemic swept the nation. My car spun out of control on Rt. 91, rolled twice into a ditch, and I almost died. Bush is doing something down in Mexico. And Yinka Dare died. But most importantly, and make sure you sit down when you read this … we can finally buy alcohol on Sundays. Three-day weekends, snow days, and those awkward moments during communion when the entire church gets to witness your attempts to prevent the host from sticking to the roof of your mouth, will never be the same again.

Now, for real news written by real journalists, continue reading. (And if you actually said “Real World/Road Rules” three times fast, out loud, a few minutes ago, I feel really bad for you).

Matt Brochu is a Collegian columnist.