For far too long decisions have been made on campus using obsolete tools. Frankly, I am a tad disappointed with what this says about the University of Massachusetts. Day after day, I see UMass students foolishly using tactics such as the coin toss, odds and evens, and even “enie-menie-minie-moe” to make decisions. Such methods stifle creativity and reward people based on luck rather than sheer intelligence.
When it comes to making a decision about who should do something, true geniuses, such as myself, prefer to use the Rock-Paper-Scissors game, otherwise known as RPS. The game measures one’s wit, ingenuity, craft, hand eye coordination, and speed.
In fact, there is even a World Rock Papers Scissors Society, which is dedicated to “the promotion of Rock Paper Scissors as a fun and safe way to resolve disputes.” They have an annual international competition, as the Olympics do not yet recognize the sport, as well as provide the rules and their amendments, and different tips and strategies.
Upon the start of freshman year, I was more than disappointed to find out that a well-known and respected school such as UMass does not have its own RPS team. For a long time, I have strived to find an outlet to display my talent; yet sadly, UMass does not provide such opportunities, probably due to budget cuts. Throughout my college career I have become so good at the game that now, by looking into my opponent’s eyes, I can see what he or she is going to throw out at me. There are few people who can beat me at this game, and those who do, I must call pure geniuses.
For those of you who are uncultured or Canadian, to play Rock-Paper-Scissors (RPS), players throw one of three possible throws: Rock (closed fist), Paper (hand flat) or Scissors (top two index fingers extended). Rock beats Scissors, Scissors beats Paper and Paper beats Rock. There are no other options, no other throws, and despite what Kramer claimed in Seinfeld, Rock can be beat by paper, a rule I would still like to see overturned one day.
Knowing your opponent when playing RPS can give you a great advantage. Some people tend to loose their concentration easily or perhaps throw out a rock when they get pissed off, which are all things to look out for. People who tend to be very aggressive or angered easily throw out rocks left and right.
In addition, a recent study by the RPS Public Relations Department, called, “The Effect of Recent Media Coverage on RPS Throws,” showed that after the airing of a “Simpsons” episode in which Bart plays RPS with his sister Lisa and thinks to himself “good old rock, nothing beats it,” the use of Rock has risen by over three percent nationwide. This marked the largest increase in use of Rock since the fall of the Berlin Wall.
Paper is considered a weak, cowardly move by most, as there is nothing aggressive about a limp piece of paper. This is a move that is coincidently favored much by the French as well as certain players who see it as a more subtle attack. Some left wing radical paper fanatics have even dubbed paper as “the victory of modern culture over barbarism.”
Scissors is thought of as a more clever or crafty throw, which www.worldrps.com calls a “well-planned outflanking maneuver.” From my limited experience, students from Amherst College tend to favor the use of scissors frequently, to such an extent that I find it quite sickening.
Strategies are key when preparing to play against someone, not to mention that with memorized moves, it’s harder to predict what you will throw out next. The move entitled “Fistful O’Dollars” consists of a rock followed by two papers, a move that took the 1967 RPS World Championship by surprise and is said to be “arguably one of the greatest surprise offensive moves.” A subtle but far more aggressive gambit (three throws, minimum needed for a game of RPS) is called the Avalanche, a personal favorite of mine. It’s three rocks in a row and most people don’t see it coming. It was reportedly developed in the early 1890’s.
Rock-Paper-Scissors is no laughing matter, but rather a serious and well-loved game that is a part of all of us. A respected technique for decision making, people who use RPS are said to do better on tests and have a higher self esteem than those pathetic individuals who resort to playing odds and evens. They might as well use a hot dog eating contest to decide on things. I’m not even going to get into “enie-menie-minie-moe”, which is perhaps more fitting for someone who goes to such lesser places as UNH or Canada.
Before embarking on a round of RPS, I advice you all to do hand stretches. No one wants to pull a finger muscle while they shoot out scissors. I’ve found RPS to be great for shotgun disputes, deciding who picks up the wings, or even when negotiating with some of the more liberal minded professor on campus when it comes to grades. Anyone claiming that this game involves probability should not be going to UMass. As www.worldrps.com states, “Human beings will always use some impulse or inclination to choose a throw, and will therefore settle into unconscious but nonetheless predicable patterns.”
My last piece of advice is never, under any circumstances, get too excited and animate your moves, as in doing the actual scissors cutting motion, etc. The RPS Steering Committee made a ruling on this very issue about 15 years ago after in a hotly contested semi-final round, Mustafa Nwenge of Kenya pulled a scissors and had the ligaments in his index finger crushed by the overzealous rock of a Swedish competitor. Thus, ritualizing or animating the moves is now illegal for professional play. Unfortunately, Mustafa was never able to play competitively again, but the world RPS society claims that he is in very hot demand as a motivational speaker.
Gilad Skolnick is a Collegian columnist.
