There is a crisis in America. The very fabric of our existence is being challenged from within our hearts and minds. There is something creeping into our prime-time television viewing, our newspapers and our homes. This thing is threatening our children and even our national security. They’ve been in the Justice Department for years and have only recently been dealt with. Children around the world, six months and younger, are looking at it right now.
Gentle reader, I’m talking about breasts.
I’m not just talking about harmless, covered, shapeless breasts; I’m talking about naked, protruding sexy breasts-apparently the number one threat to our American society today. What has led me to this startling conclusion? I had to look back, way back, at least to the year 2000.
First, there was the mother arrested for breast-feeding while driving. Although the woman took unnecessary risks with her child’s safety by driving with the infant in her arms, the real threat was reckless exposure of bare breast. What if somebody saw her nipples? I hope that woman’s doing some hard time in a cold cell where she can reflect upon her carelessness.
Then Jennifer Lopez wore a revealing green designer dress to the Grammys. Although no nipple was exposed, Ms. Lopez came dangerously close to destroying the fundamental notion of democracy as she traded witty banter with P-Diddy.
Skip ahead a few years and one can almost predict the hysteria that shook our most wholesome and American of events, the Super Bowl. Janet Jackson’s fully exposed breast and partially bare nipple is still haunting us on television, in the newspapers and in our minds, but the true tragedy is our children!
How will America’s young children ever overcome the trauma of seeing Ms. Jackson’s silver ornamented areola? They won’t! They can’t! My teenage cousin is still in a state of shock; he watches the exposure over and over on his VCR and does nothing but search for breasts all day on the Internet. His grades are fine and social life is unaffected, but he looks at bare breasts; he’ll never be the same.
I must applaud the major networks and most newspapers for doing a terrific job warning us of this threat. The Tuesday after “Nipplegate,” when Arizona, Delaware, Oklahoma and South Carolina held their crucial Democratic primaries, exit polls and interviews with pundits were overshadowed by Janet Jackson’s breast. I couldn’t find a lead story about the elections anywhere. Thank goodness! If it weren’t for CNN’s vigilant nipple coverage I wouldn’t have ever known I was faced with such a threat; it is comforting that at least somebody was covering Jackson’s nipple.
Thankfully, things have started to change. “ER” pulled an episode that featured an exposed bosom. John Ashcroft spent thousands of dollars on blue curtains to cover up a nude female statue in the Justice Department. Mothers everywhere are realizing the benefits of breastfeeding, increased immunity to disease, an early sense of emotional stability, decreased risk of S.I.D.S., or Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, take a distant back seat to the danger of N.E, Nipple Exposure.
We must remain vigilant. Beyonce danced, or rather bounced, alluringly during the NBA half-time show wearing a low-cut dress that clearly exposed the side portions of the singer’s bust, according to the Associated Press. The American people must not allow breasts to slide in through the side door; you’re either with us or you’re with the breasts.
There are other so-called news stories floating around that might distract attentive viewers from the real problem. Don’t get sidetracked by the liberal media bias of networks such as CBS; the real weapons of mass destruction are beneath women’s clothing, not in Saddam’s arsenal. News coverage of the upcoming national election, the war on terrorism and other such nonsense is only a footnote to the subversive threat bare breasts pose to each of us, whether man, woman or child.
As easy as it may be to wait passively as nipples invade our television screens, magazines and even our bedrooms, we have a duty as citizens of the United States of America to curtail this insidious threat no matter what its cost.
Ladies, we’re at the forefront of this problem. Remember, breast exposure occurs most frequently within our own homes. It is primarily our responsibility to safeguard this fine nation against the ticking time bombs under our shirts. Women of all ages make the first line of defense against bare chests. We will only be free of this threat when we can contain it.
Rachel Smith is a Collegian columnist.
