A few quotent quotables

I make a reference to AOL Instant Messenger at least once per column, so I figured it was about time to address a few issues, and I’ll get right to the point.

There are three things I hate about AIM.

1) Smiley faces

2) Chain messages – just because it’s finals week, there’s no need to send me that IM with those two retarded-cow-snowmen-things humping, one labeled “finals” and the other labeled “me.” Here’s the deal. I’ll re-label one with “you” and the other with “your computer” because you need to realize that it’s a problem when forensics experts could identify your rear end in a rear end line-up from one glance at the imprint in your computer chair.

3) People who have no control over their AIM profiles. For those of you thinking to yourselves, “Is he talking about me?” have you ever seen “Dumb and Dumber”? Well, take a look at Lloyd’s toilet scene. In the AIM world, that would be you, except you’re explosively number-two-ing unnecessary quizzes, links and pathetic quotes … and there isn’t enough psychological Imodium in Western Massachusetts to help you out.

Let’s be honest, other than your cell phone number and your stupid Spring Break countdown (2 DAYS!!), you have absolutely nothing worthwhile to say in that little AIM profile space. So when a problem arises that you’re not mature enough to deal with directly, yet at the same time you want to cry out for pity, what are you going to do? Find a sad, overused quote, slap it in there (maybe in – oh, I don’t know – lavender font), and wait for a reaction. And if you’ve done that, well, congratulations … I hate you. Here are a few quotes that shouldn’t be used under any circumstance, because, well, they suck.

“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” – Unknown

All right, so you just broke up. I’m sorry. Really, I am. But honestly, your life really is as bad as it seems right now, and it’s pretty much all your fault. Chances are you got cocky, let yourself go, gained a few pounds, started getting jealous whenever he went out with his friends, and now he’s gone. You’re pretty similar to Marla Hooch from “A League of Their Own” (ya know, the ugly one) at this point. You have no options, and you can’t walk while balancing a book on your head to save your life. So yeah, it happened, but you have no reason to smile. It’s definitely over, so you might as well cry me a river. Baby go on and just …

“Wear cute pajamas to bed, because you never know who you’ll meet in your dreams.” – Unknown

This quote may be the reason I wear my matching tank top and panties set to bed each night, but there’s a University of Massachusetts translation too. Screw cute pajamas, wear warm pajamas to bed because you never know when some moron is going to pull the fire alarm at 4 a.m. forcing you to wait outside until the firefighters arrive.

“Pain is weakness leaving the body.” – Marines Billboard

Who looks at a billboard while driving and thinks, “Oh, that one’s going in my profile as soon as I get home.” I mean, if it was, “Pain is a baby leaving the body,” then maybe I’d understand.

“Smile, it makes people wonder what you’re thinking.” – Unknown

OK, so if we’re at a party and you smile at me, I’m thinking one of two things: 1) You’re checking me out, and if you could talk to me without throwing up all over my shoes, then you’d be all over me right now, or 2) You just farted, and you think that everyone else is clueless. So I smile back, because I’m pretty sure you’re about to stand up and crop-dust the room with it, which you subsequently do. So take your obligatory lap around the room, but I know exactly what you’re thinking. Yes, someone did notice, and yes, it smells like eggs.

“You know you’re in love when every time you meet is like the first time you fell in love.” – My friend Lukasz

Then I guess I’ve never been in love, because I don’t really remember the exact moment when I fell in love. I do remember the first time I said, “I love you,” to someone other than my mom or my guinea pig. What did I get back? One of those, “And I love spending time with you!” cop-outs. Happy memories, Luke. Good stuff. If you need me, I’ll be getting hammered and playing freeze tag on the crosswalks by Southwest.

So just stay away from these quotes and you’ll be OK in my book. And if any of your friends cross the line, warn the (expletive) out of them. Needless to say, this is probably part 1 of a 7 part series; so if there’s a quote that you think I missed, hit me up at [email protected]. I’ll be sure to include the one response I get in my next column.

Matt Brochu is a Collegian columnist.