I have been hiding from this presidential election in my writing and general conversation for a couple of weeks, partly because most of the articles I read concerning the race include phrases like “stupid Bush,” “Bush lied,” or even include played out “Bush-isms.” While I am aligned with the idea that George W. Bush is the most repugnant character to rest his buns in the oval office, all this politic-talk is really boring. I know you, the readers, have had quite enough of all of this crap. November could not come soon enough for many of us and we just want to know who the man on top is going to be. Unfortunately, I know who this man is, not because I hang out with Miss Cleo Jones, the famous psychic, but because its pretty clear who our president is going to be. Why do I say “Unfortunately?” Do you want to know who our president is going to be? Keep reading.
After going on the CBS Early Show in February, I was able to meet and come in contact with many celebrities whom I interviewed on the subject of the election. I asked them who they would vote for and why. Their answers were enthralling, engaging, and inspiring. Many interviews I was able to do over Spring Break. After interviewing the rich and famous, I wanted to get the view of the common man and found an equally inspiring crop of answers which I am happy to share with you, the voting (hopefully) population of our great University.
Diane Sawyer
TN: Hi, Diane Sawyer.
DS: Hello.
TN: Di, can I call you Di?
DS: No.
TN: Great, Di, you are at the center of the political arena being a news anchor, whom do you see yourself supporting in November?
DS: George W. Bush, of course. I’m not stupid. I make a lot of money. I want to keep it.
Courtney Love
TN: Hey, Courtney.
CL: What’s up man?!
TN: Wow, its 9:30 a.m. You’re drunk already, huh?
CL: Yeah, whatever, man.
TN: Your breath is gross. So who will you vote for?
CL: Kurt Cobain, man, my dead husband, man! Hey, man, do you know where I can find a dealer?
George W. Bush
TN: Hi. How are you doing?
GB: Well you know, with Sept. 11 and everything, my faith has really been tested.
TN: Well, Sept. 11 was a horrible event in our history, but it was also three years ago. I think we can safely say that the guys with box-cutters aren’t going to take over our country.
GB: I am the President of these United States.
TN: I know.
GB: Well when you vote in November, you should vote for the president that led us through the dark of night on that day of infamy, you should not vote for an adulterer who lied to the nation and took advantage of a young intern.
TN: George, Bill Clinton is not running for president.
GB: 9/11!
TN: Great. Who will you vote for?
GB: Well, I think that the best man should win and if there are enough votes for the man who won, he will be the winner of the election and in doing so will be the symbol of winning with regard to this year’s election, which he won.
Beyonce Knowles
TN: Oh my GOD! You’re BEYONCE.
BK: Yes, I am. How are you?
TN: OH MY GOD.
BK: Didn’t you want to ask me about the election?
TN: I…can’t…talk.
Ann Coulter
TN: Hey, Ann. You’re a pretty crazy beast, but I figured I should be fair and balanced so I decided to interview you. Who are you going to vote for?
AC: Adolf Hitler.
TN: Anne, he’s dead and a Nazi.
AC: Just like a liberal to say such preposterous things.
Paris Hilton
TN: Hey, Paris.
PH: Can we make this quick? I was going to spend some money on coke and then go shoot a quick home movie.
TN: Sure, who are you voting for?
PH: The guy who had botox, definitely, it’s important to look your best.
Jesus Christ
TN: Hey, I have been meaning to see your movie and everything, but with midterms and Spring Break and just not wanting to see it, I haven’t managed to fit it in.
JC: Hey, what are you gonna do?
TN: Right? So, Jesus, who would you vote for if you weren’t busy being in movies and being dead?
JC: And…
TN: Ok, ok and being the savior of the human race.
JC: Well, I would probably vote for the man whom I believed was the most exemplary of a peaceful and righteous leader.
TN: Ok, so not George W. Bush.
JC: No.
TN: See, he thinks you guys are buddies.
JC: I know, I hate that. All these people talk about what I like and what I don’t and its really getting me angry.
TN: Amen.
Jared Nokes, SGA speaker
TN: Jared, you’re in some hot water lately with the SGA, huh?
JN: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
TN: OK. Who are you voting for?
JN: The white guy.
TN: They’re both white, Jared.
JN: Did I say the ‘white guy’? I meant the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, Christian, heterosexual male.
TN: I have to go.
My mom:
TN: Hey, Patty, who are you voting for?
Mom: That’s a stupid question.
TN: I know, I know, but I’m doing this column and so I need your answer.
Mom: You know I would rather suck a chainsaw than vote for George W. Bush. Anyone but Bush. I would vote for dead Eudora Welty before Bush.
TN: Is she dead?
Mom: I don’t remember, but I would vote for her. I love her. Now clean out your car or we’re going to war and I’ll win.
Obviously I took many liberties with these interviews, so try not to get upset about who your favorite celebrity is voting for. Although many polls suggest John Kerry will win the election in November, it has become unfortunately clear to me that George W. Bush is going to be spending another four years in the white house. He will no doubt play the Sept. 11 card until we are lulled into submission and vote in his favor. Or perhaps he will plant some WMD’s in the Middle East or in France and be the hero of the day once again. What will we enjoy during another four years of George W. Bush? Unemployment, tax cuts for the ultra rich, wasted money on defense, and many more questions that will never be answered, which will be glossed over with images of Sept. 11 and all of the “good things” that our ill-seated president has brought down upon us.
Thomas Naughton is a Collegian columnist.
