Think for a moment about what it is that you really want. Then think about what it is that you want, just because you can’t have it. Do you know the difference?
It’s not easy. What we think we want, and then what we actually do want, are two separate entities, sometimes indistinguishable from one another. That’s because inherent to human nature is the desire to want something just because we can’t get to it.
We all have needs, wants, desires and fantasies. Yet those desires and fantasies – the things that we think we want – have to remain unrealistic. Philosopher Jacques Lacan said that desire must have its objects absent to continue, because if we do ever achieve what it is that we want, the desire for it will vanish.
This isn’t to say that when we obtain something that we desire or fantasize about we later reject. We tend to accept it, perhaps even embrace it, but once we have “it,” we don’t necessarily want “it” anymore. When fantasy becomes reality, desire can’t support it any longer.
The way I see it, our minds constantly rotate among three realms, which I’ll call Reality, Fantasy, and Extreme Fantasy. In the realm of Reality, almost all things are tangible possibilities, and therefore, desire and fantasy don’t exist. You either already have what you want, or you know you can have it, so you don’t truly desire it.
In the realm of Extreme Fantasy, desire exists in the form of pleasant thoughts that enter freely in and out of the mind. Desire is present in Extreme Fantasy, but the possibility of “it” becoming reality is so remote that you’re not going to lose sleep over waiting for it to happen.
For example, when I was 12 years old I was convinced I would someday marry Jonathan Taylor Thomas. I taped episodes of “Home Improvement”; I plastered my walls with his pictures cut neatly from the pages of Teen Beat Magazine. I even spent four hours in line at a car show that he was attending so I could have his signature forever etched onto one of his pictures that had previously been part of my innovative new wallpaper. But I knew deep down that even though we shared the same zodiac sign, had the same favorite ice cream flavor, and owned the same type of dog, it was just not in the cards that I would aspire to be Ms. Katherine Thomas one day. This type of fantasy is too far from reality for the desire to consume you.
The Fantasy realm is where the trouble lies. This is a realm that is one step beyond Reality, containing the almost-but-not-quite fantasy. It is the thing that you know you can’t have. However, the object of desire, the fantasy, is right in front of you. It’s there, and you can’t have it.
It’s that guy that you think is out of your league. It’s that shirt which is far beyond your price range. It’s that competitive internship that you have the perfect qualifications for, if only you weren’t one out of a hundred applicants.
You drive yourself crazy wanting and wanting and wanting this thing that you can’t have. You torture yourself, exhaust yourself thinking of what you can do to get it, and still to no avail.
Surprisingly enough, sometimes, you actually do get the object of your desire. And then, in an instant, fantasy becomes reality, desire is lost, and whatever it is that you wanted you don’t want anymore, because you’ve gotten it, and it doesn’t live up to your expectations. Why? Because these real life fantasies just don’t exist.
You’re the one chosen for that the internship out of the hundreds of other candidates. And despite your 3.8 grade point average, extracurricular activities, and myriad of accomplishments, you are seen, not as an employee, but an intern, in the most dreaded sense of the word. As far as anybody is concerned, you are barely capable of making copies, answering phones and running to Starbucks, let alone competent enough to handle actual work.
That guy who you thought you could never have; he finally asks you out. And guess what? He’s boring, unbelievably full of himself, and his definition of “getting to know” you on dates includes hardly anything beyond “getting to know” how many more dates he has to take you on before you’ll have sex with him.
So how, then, do we know what we actually do want? Despite my belief that we all want things we can’t have, I’m convinced that there are some things we want in life that are achievable. Those things are real; they are the things that we will continue to want long after we get them. They are lifelong goals and intrinsic human needs, like security, happiness and love. I think it’s safe to say that those are things that most, if not all, of us want in life. And they are all real and possible.
That being said, maybe fantasies are best left alone. What we truly want in life we’ll get as long as we work for it, and what we desire, we can continue to fantasize about. After all, we know that fantasy turned reality never works out the way we want, and for that reason, maybe it’s better to keep the fantasy in our heads than to put it into our hands.
Kate Walsh is a Collegian staff writer.
