The summer is over. It is time for school, another big Red Sox September rally and, most importantly, the beginning of the quest for three championships in four years for the New England Patriots.
It’s time for NFL Countdown, NFL Primetime, Sunday Night Football, Monday Morning Quarterback, Monday Night Countdown, Monday Night Football, Edge NFL Matchup and Sundays upon countless Sundays of nonstop NFL action to cure my six-month-old Super Bowl hangover.
Let us first get this out of the way. I love previews. I love making predictions. When I’m right, I look like a genius. When I’m wrong, I chalk it up as a mere fluke. Just like the Marcus Banks trade, it never happened.
Priest Holmes’ trainer loves predictions, too. 2,300 yards, though? As if Holmes didn’t already have a big enough target on his back, opposing linebackers now have more of an incentive to make Priest look more like an altar boy.
NFL running backs have done a great job of making headlines since the end of last season. Jamal Lewis was caught with enough marijuana to last Cheech and Chong enough time to produce their next film. Maybe Lewis was just bringing it to his running back counterpart, Ricky Williams, who recently retired after failing his third drug test.
Clinton Portis was so unhappy in Denver, a successful franchise, that he demanded a trade to Washington; a franchise that will be so financially hampered in two years that they won’t be able to sign a new water boy, and Joe Gibbs may have to stretch his time machine even further back so he can begin suiting up for games, too.
Ladainian Tomlinson signed a huge long-term contract to stay in San Diego, possibly the most poorly run organization in all of sports. LT had a chance of becoming one of the greatest running backs of all time (and he still may), but he won’t be with a winning team until the downside of his career.
Corey Dillon finally got his wish and was traded away from the Bangles to the Pats. Willis McGahee is back, prompting Travis Henry to display his displeasure with his role in Buffalo, a scary sign as to how good McGahee may actually be. Eddie George has relocated to Dallas, Emmitt Smith is still destroying his legacy in Arizona and Barry Sanders was inducted into the Hall of Fame five years premature. Like I said, NFL running backs have been as busy as Pete Rose on a Vegas trip.
OK, it’s time for the predictions. The teams will be ranked according to how they will finish in their division by their projected records. An asterisk indicates a wild card team. Their power rankings will be in parentheses.
And remember, what I say goes. I called the Pistons championship and the USA basketball flop not too long ago. These predictions are set in stone, so pack up everything you own and join Charlie Hustle in Vegas, baby.
AFC East
(1) New England Patriots (13-3): If they win their first three games, the Pats will be going for their record setting nineteenth straight against, who else, but Miami. If Tom Brady can stay healthy, the Patriots will be tearing down Jacksonville’s goalposts in February.
(15) New York Jets* (9-7): If Chad Pennington can regain his form from 2002 this team will be much better than people think.
(20) Miami Dolphins (7-9): When all else fails, just be thankful that you’re not a Dolphins fan. In the rare case that you are, just be thankful that your tax money wasn’t used to support Ricky Williams’ drug habit. Losing Williams and David Boston for the season were obviously out of anyone’s control, but the front office is to blame for another underachieving season by the Dolphins. Dave Wannstedt should have been fired two years ago, and their quarterback carousel will continue to keep this offense out of rhythm. This will be a great place for Romeo Crennel to start his coaching career next season.
(23) Buffalo Bills (7-9): You are an offensive coordinator for a terrible team without an offense. As a reward, you are given the head coaching job of a team whose strength is its defense. Mike Malarkey, you have beaten the system.
AFC North
(5) Baltimore Ravens (11-5): Real men wear purple. They have arguably the best defense in the league, which is the sole reason they will win any games at all this season. Kyle Boller will impress his doubters, but Jamal Lewis is the Kobe Bryant of the NFL. He will spend the better part of a month in court, which is easily the biggest variable for the Ravens this season.
(16) Cincinnati Bengles (8-8): I understand that they spent their first draft pick a year ago on Carson Palmer, but how do you bench Jon Kitna after he resurrected his career for the second time. Palmer’s experience will keep him at a rookie playing level, and that won’t cut it in the AFC.
(27) Pittsburgh Steelers (6-10): I see Charlie Weiss in your future, Steelers fans.
(30) Cleveland Browns (4-12): Jeff Garcia already hates the organization. Kellen Winslow has already challenged the hearts of veterans. William Green hates being sober. The Dawg Pound will be a soap opera in 2004.
AFC South
(3) Tennessee Titans (11-5): Chris Brown will be a huge upgrade to Eddie George this year. One question, though. Is Steve McNair really that tough for playing through these injuries, or is he the biggest wimp in football for complaining about them all the time?
(9) Jacksonville Jaguars* (10-6): This is another team that will shock some people this year. They have a very blue-collar defense that will knock some finesse teams around such as…
(11) Indianapolis Colts (9-7): The Patriots exploited the Colts last year the same way they did it to the Rams in the Super Bowl. The demise of the Colts begins now.
(22) Houston Texans (6-10): This team has the talent to win nine games in most divisions, but they are stuck in the AFC South, the most difficult place to play in football. This is a playoff team next year and a championship contender in two years.
AFC West
(7) Kansas City Chiefs (12-4): Same team as last year. Good. Defense can’t be any worse than last year. Good. Stuck in a terrible division. Good. They still have no shot at the Super Bowl. Bad.
(18) Oakland Raiders (9-7): Their defensive line with Warren Sapp, Bobby Hamilton and Ted Washington will carry this confused defense. They still aren’t as good as their record because of the lame division they are in.
(19) Denver Broncos (8-8): I understand that defense wins championships, but how many championships did Champ Bailey win in Washington. Clinton Portis will be one of the best five running backs in the NFL for the next six seasons. Send Mike Shanahan to Donald Trump’s office. He’s fired.
(31) San Diego Chargers (4-12): I hate to see such a great talent in LT go to waste. He will be responsible for all four wins. If he goes down early, this team may not win a single game this year.
NFC East
(6) Philadelphia Eagles (10-6): Terrell Owens is the Alex Rodriguez of football. He is one of the most talented guys in the league, but he is too much of a distraction and constantly makes the people around him underachieve.
(17) Dallas Cowboys (9-7): Somehow, someway, this team will win nine games. Even with Vinny Testaverde running the show.
(21) Washington Redskins (7-9): How many years in a row have we heard that the Redskins will have a great year? How many years has Dan Snyder owned the Redskins? Here’s a hint: it’s the same answer for both questions. Talented individuals don’t win games in the NFL anymore. Good teams do. Good luck in 2007 when you have $30 million against the cap in penalties alone. This will be a team of replacements once again.
(28) New York Giants (5-11): They were terrible last year, and they haven’t upgraded at a single position this year. I hope Eli and his family are happy in a New York City basement.
NFC North
(8) Minnesota Vikings (10-6): Will this be the year the Vikings put two solid halves together? No, but I don’t see a 6-2 followe
d by a 4-4, either. Mediocrity all around in a poor division. By the way, Mike Tice is still the most brain dead coach in the league.
(13) Green Bay Packers* (10-6): I hate to see it happen, but Brett Faav-rah has seen his last good days in a uniform.
(25) Detroit Lions (6-10): They improved themselves dramatically through the draft, but can this young group of talent be able to win any games without a proven leader?
(26) Chicago Bears (5-11): Rex Grossman isn’t the answer here; neither is Lovie Smith.
NFC South
(4) Carolina Panthers (11-5): They have a swagger about them that has lasted since the Super Bowl. The undefeated preseason showed just how serious the Panthers are about staying away from VH1’s next one-hit-wonder countdown.
(12) Atlanta Falcons (9-7): “Can Mike Vick stay healthy?” is the biggest question in sports right now. If he does, the Falcons are an obvious playoff contender. You didn’t need me to tell you that. By the way, congratulations to Marcus Vick on your suspension from Virginia Tech. Mike is now one more injury away from making brothers Vick the most disappointing duo in sports history.
(14) New Orleans Saints (9-7): Another season. Another set of high expectations. Jim Haslett’s coaching job may not last the season if New Orleans regains its “Aints” form from years past.
(24) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-10): The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Warren Sapp was a mighty big man.
NFC West
(2) Seattle Seahawks (12-4): They aren’t going to surprise anyone with a quick start this year. They are just going to flat out pummel teams.
(10) St. Louis Rams* (10-6): Kurt Warner definitely wasn’t the answer for this team (or any team for that matter), but Marc Bulger is as careless with the football as Martha Stewart was with her stock tips.
(29) Arizona Cardinals (4-12): They’ll win four games. Most teams do.
(32) San Francisco 49ers (2-14): Joe Montana couldn’t solve the problems within this organization. What is my solution, you ask? Make the 49ers play the Chargers. The loser of the game is banned from football completely. The winner has a permanent spot in NFL Europe.
AFC Wildcard Round
Titans 24, Jets 13
Jaguars 13, Ravens 10
NFC Wildcard Round
Eagles 20, Packers 17
Vikings 38, Rams 31
AFC Divisional Round
Patriots 24, Jaguars 14
Titans 35, Chiefs 31
NFC Divisional Round
Seahawks 27, Eagles 13
Panthers 28, Vikings 27
AFC Championship
Patriots 20, Titans 17
NFC Championship
Seahawks 21, Panthers 20
Super Bowl
Patriots 24, Seahawks 21
It won’t end how you think, folks. The Patriots will block a field goal as time expires, proving that they can do it on both sides of the ball. Mark it down, now. The 32 NFL teams can pack their bags in September and go away for the winter. Watch the season unfold if you don’t believe me, and check back to this in February. Just remember, you heard it here first.
Jeff Howe is a Collegian Columnist.
