It has been clear to me from the very beginning of this presidential race that George W. Bush would not be unseated. Even if he lost the popular vote by a landslide, I would have counted on the Supreme Court, Jeb Bush,

Sean Hannity of Fox News and most importantly George Bush himself to find or create a law stating that it is un-American and “unsafe” to allow for leadership change during the “War” on “Terror.” Of course, we can’t give all the credit to the Republicans for this extremely volatile political climate.

The Democrats in the last four years (or the last 50 years depending

on your perception) have become happy invertebrates. In the wake of

Clinton’s fellatio fallout and conservative bullying after Sept. 11, they simply diffuse freely through political and social membrane, causing no stir and offering no alternatives to the blanket of blind and blissful ignorance in which the conservatives wish to wrap the nation at bedtime, all the while still managing to remind us nightly of the monsters (terrorists and “pessimists” according to the Terminator) hidden under our beds.

We cannot overlook a third group who shares responsibility for the conservative cowboy who has usurped the country, even though this group should have overlooked their 2000 presidential hopeful, Ralph Nader. Oh yes, I am speaking of the children of the Green Party who suck their thumbs openly today, scratch their heads and hold their own blankets to their cheek and wonder how we got ourselves into this mess. As if they didn’t know that good old Ralph (who in his infinite “love-thy-neighbor” Green-ness has said some pretty questionable and anti-Semitic things) didn’t have a chance in hell in 2000. You can still recognize the 2000 Green Party voters who wear their punch ballot slips as diapers; but don’t worry, I think there are still shreds of the Bill of Rights hanging around if their nannies need wipes to clean up the mess.

Now that we are all acquainted and comfortable with the idea that

Sept. 11 has delivered on a silver platter the country and the rights of its citizens to the Right Wing, lets take a look at our future beginning

with the “re-election” of “God’s chosen leader,” George W. Bush. Since the

election will probably be postponed, cancelled or simply deemed

“un-American,” Reverend Bush will have no problem remaining in the Oval

Office, where he will finally receive his most important instructions from the entity that he talks so much about: GOD. Of course, we think he is speaking of the Creator, when GOD is actually an acronym for three people who have the Vision of America at heart: George H. W. Bush, who will offer tutelage concerning Reagan-economics (a.k.a. The Rich Get Richer, The Poor Get Laughed At) and how to ignore AIDS victims; Bill O’Reilly, who will obviously write all of the president’s speeches lying to the nation since he knows exactly how to sound Fair and Balanced; and Donald Rumsfeld who will teach our President re-elect (or re-appoint, or re-cheat, or re-turn-away-black-voters, whichever you prefer) important torture techniques to keep all dissenters at bay, lessons he learned from the Abu Ghraib School for Redneck Soldier Boys (and their girlfriends who have bowl-cuts). GOD is good, and GOD blesses America.

In the next four years, the nation, which has already changed so much in such a short period of time, will continue in its fast metamorphosis from

Land of the Free to just Land. Fox News, in a merger with the 700

Club, will be the only news source for Americans, which is a good thing because then viewers will be able to get weather reports at the bottom of the hour and preaching from the Old Testament at the top of the hour without question from dirty liberals who seek to make our country a Godless place.

George W. Bush, as advised by his Gepettos (Condi, Collie, and

Donnie-oh my!) will install Ann Coulter, Rudy Guliani, Rick Santorum and One Unknown Black Conservative (for quota reasons only, stupid liberals) to the bench of our Supreme Court where the real work can begin. Bills and laws from the New Supreme Court will emerge and be ratified with the greatest of ease without detraction from objectors, for in order to keep our blessed country safe, we must return to tradition, faith, and Family Values. There will not many objections in the first place as the Democrats will have lost their ability to even form a declarative sentence, and most of the left wing will be singing “Oh, Canada” and heading for the border because they know what’s good for them. They know what happens to people who speak their minds: they get called “Girly Men.”

Finally the nation will be as it should: Homosexuality will be outlawed in every respect. Abortion will be punishable by death. Marriage will be defined as between one man and one woman (as God intended) and everyone will be married. Of course, we won’t be able to control people’s intrinsic sexual desires so homosexual males will meet in alley ways used for abortions to engage in sex acts alongside evil IV drug users. There will be no mention of AIDS or the contracting of such a disease. If a married man infects his wife with the disease because of his homosexual double-life, we will not acknowledge that they have such a virus, we will simply say “they are under the weather.” That label is much tidier than “AIDS Patient.” Why must we always be so liberal, always so open? Where is the restraint and suffocation of our golden age when leaders like Ronald Reagan, Maggie Thatcher and other humane-totalitarians ruled the day?

In our new nation, no child will be left behind, unless you can’t afford education even at the elementary level and then yes, your child will be left behind. But it will not be our fault because you should have thought about your finances before you decided to get pregnant. But if you can afford education, no child will be left behind. We will enlist all of them in the army after they finish high school. If there is no war going on at their time of enlistment, fear not, another war will start soon so that all of our children will have a chance to fire on defenseless people. It’s valuable lessons like this that shape our nation. There’s nothing like saying the “Our Father” while you “liberate” a small child at point-blank range to make you believe in your country. I know we are headed in the direction that God wanted: dead teenagers without reason, lesions on hands adorned with wedding

rings, starving people who work long hours for no money, the words

“under God” inserted after every single line of the Pledge and plenty of tax

breaks for the closest friends of whatever conservative president who

will no doubt take office for the next 20 years in our Sept. 11 world. All

things I hope you’ll vote for.

Thomas Naughton is a Collegian columnist.

1,180 words

Name Bendee: Thomas Naughton

Pull Quote: “If there is no war going on at their time of enlistment, fear not, another war will start soon so that all of our children will have a chance to fire on defenseless people.”