Freshmen year, I was the undisputed champion of the United States of AOL Instant Messenger. Can you remember a time in your life when you could balance 11 articulate AIM conversations (one with your roommate four feet away), while simultaneously writing a paper, eating a hot pocket, and playing a game of Kings with the girls across the hall, and without making a typo or pissing off the thumbmaster? I didn’t think so. And to make things more impressive, I don’t even type “the right way.” I hunt and peck and I’m damn good at it. Think about it. It’s like Pedro Martinez putting up the numbers he did in the late 90’s with no thumbs. I think you get my point.

Five years later, I’m just a shadow of the former AIM stud that used to grace my trusty computer chair 10 hours a day. I can’t handle more than three IM’s at once without having a seizure, and it’s getting to the point where I would kill for the ability to put people on hold like a crappy customer service hotline (you know, with a looped message and a soothing “Ace of Base” song). “Please hold. Your IM is very important to us at 738 Main Street. A member of the apartment should be available to ‘holla’ in a few moments … all that she wants is another baby, she’s gone tomorrow boy…”

A little over a year ago, I devoted an entire column to profile quotes in hopes that I might help rid the world of the cheesy, over-used quotes we’re all subjected to on a daily basis. Well, that didn’t work. The AIM profile problem has become contagious, spreading faster than Mono at a beer pong tournament where the losers have to take part in a huge orgy. Unfortunately for some of the people on my buddy list, unlike Mono, this sickness doesn’t help you drop 25 pounds in three weeks. So I guess I’ll try this again.

Warning: The following quotes should never appear in an AIM profile, because, well, they make me throw up in my mouth.

“You’re only as strong as the cocktails you make, the tables you dance on, and the friends you hold on to.” – Unknown

I always feel left out with this one, just because it doesn’t really apply to dudes. So allow me to write a masculine version (Jersey Shore Edition): “You’re only as strong as the cheap cologne you bathe in, the pick-up lines you throw at chicks dancing on tables, and the gel that makes your hair look like a hedgehog.”

“We’re at a four-year party and it’s almost last call.” – Unknown Senior.

Everyone likes a good metaphor, so let’s continue this one. If college is a party, then after you graduate, you must either 1) Go home with the random chick you met while waiting in line for the bathroom, vomit in the bushes outside your apartment, and pass out while fumbling around with her bra, 2) Go home, order Dominoes and stiff the delivery guy, or 3) Go home, pick a fight with your ex-girlfriend on AIM, and put up an away message like this: “So upseg. wikcde durnk goo nghit.”

“Ilu” or “imu” or both – Like it even matters

It wasn’t enough for you to publicly express your feelings for your boyfriend at the Monkey Bar, twice on the dance floor and once at the bar, so you decided to take it up a notch with some profile love. But you know your friends (or at least the cool ones) will make fun of you for this. The solution? Join America’s new abbreviation craze.

After all, you can watch an episode of CSI on your HDTV with special guest J-Lo and a commercial for the Subaru STi. But guess what? We don’t need John Nash’s beautiful mind to break your retarded little code. So wait, “ilu” means “I love you”? And all this time we thought someone tricked you into joining a fake sorority.

“Dance like no one’s watching. Work like you don’t need the money, etc…” – Unknown.

Screw that. Dance like Napoleon Dynamite. Dance like my roommate after he’s heard that Bjork is coming out with a new CD. Dance like Eric Nies in cut-off jean shorts on MTV’s “The Grind” in 1993. And while you’re at it, burp like you didn’t just eat that plateful of garlic knots. Hook up like your roommate isn’t on the bottom bunk. Write a bunch of useless personal crap in your profile like no one will read it.

On second thought, don’t.

Matt Brochu is a UMass graduate student.