Well kids, the letter of today is ‘R,’ like the ‘r’ in Thursday. The letter ‘R’ is also seen in other places, like the (R) after an elected official’s name which stands for the political party they represent. What political party does “(R)” stand for? “Republicans” at least, but more accurately, “Rule-breakers.”
Republicans love to break the rules. They may follow those Ten Commandments they’re always jabbering about, but as for rules they are sworn to uphold and protect, their theme song is Judas Priest’s, “Breakin’ the Law” (they sing the song quietly I imagine, however, considering that the crooner of the original tune is a “sodomite”).
What rule of the day have our Rule-breaker friends set their sights on as of late? Filibuster. That’s right – a 200 year old rule that grants the minority contingent of our governing body the power to extend debate and thus prevent a vote on a particular issue. This is scary for the conservatives who arrogantly believed that they would be able to control anything they wish in the wake of a second Bush victory with the memory of Sept. 11 still fresh on the mind of the nation.
The filibuster is a tradition; isn’t that what the Grand Old Party is steeped in? Why try to break the rules now? If conservatives are so tradition-happy, why would they tinker with one of our oldest systems of checks and balances?
If democrats succeed in filibustering during controversial Supreme Court nominee hearings, republicans will really have to follow the laws they’ve sworn by; they won’t be able to rely on conservative plants on the bench to cast dark shadows over the execution of the law. That simply will not do for the republicans of this country. They voted for repression, economic disparity, religion in schools, gays on a far away planet, scarlet letters for abortion patients, government gags on the press, arts flushed down the crapper, and enough war to kill you, your son or daughter, and 1,500 of your closest friends.
Republicans figure that if their conservative judges take a seat on the federal bench, they will really have power. They can intervene into private family disputes (RIP, Terri) without a blink of an eye. They can overturn laws like flimsy dominos and restore our nation to the quaint, “traditional” values of the time approximately six years after the end of WWII, when women “worked in the home,” marriage was sacrosanct, abortion was unheard of, homosexuality was a mental disorder, interracial relations were heresy, and the nation lived in fear of nuclear attack.
I hope they succeed. I hope the filibuster is scrapped and heinous conservative judges rock the courts. I hope the republicans go so crazy with power and faith and mandates and God that they turn this nation into a police state. I guess when we see the kind of horror that conservatives have in mind firsthand, when it strikes us deep and without reprieve, only then will we understand what kind of terrible fate we face when we place it in the hands of religious and political extremists. People are already seeing this kind of terror on a low, soft setting. What will happen when conservatives pump up the volume?
All this talk of the conservative agenda is enough to make one sad – or bored. Its too bad columnists don’t have puppets like on Sesame Street. If we did, I don’t think any column would get so upsetting. So kids, lets continue “R-Day” with more instances of Rule-breakers doing what they do best. Imagine the following being spoken by a puppet, just like a conservative columnist. This is fun.
Bill O’Reilly breaks those rules like nobody’s business. He claims that the “spin” stops with him and his show, yet his favorite thing to do is interrupt people, cut their microphones, or tell them to “shut up.” Isn’t that a type of filibuster? More importantly, aren’t his actions controlling the “spin”?
Conservatives can’t even uphold social rules. In America, if you are caught in a sex scandal, we as a public are supposed to mull it over for years and years (Monica and Bill puppets enter stage right), yet Bill O’Reilly can tell the public that his phone-sex follies are a non-issue? Rule-breaker.
George W. Bush is really concerned with terrorism. He endorses laws to fight terrorism at home and abroad, yet he seems to not even care when his Texas tagalong Tom Delay makes threats against federal judges using some of the same language as the Taliban. Rule-breaker.
Conservatives care a lot about decency. Janet Jackson is a big harlot for bearing her breast at the Super Bowl, yet Dick Cheney can use every swear in the book at a televised press conference and no one says a thing. Rule-breaker.
We could go on and on, kids, but public broadcasting is an enemy of the conservative hand that is gearing up to grip the nation. When you’re watching politicians on TV, remember what (R) stands for, eat your vegetables, and break a household rule, just like the President. This message was brought to you by the letter “T” and the number 1.
Thomas Naughton is a Collegian columnist.
