While today might seem at first hand like just an ordinary day, I assure you that it is quite the contrary. History has marked this day as a day plagued with unfortunate events, a day which has been riddled with curses. It’s a sad day, a day worthy of some sort of grieving or sulking.

After all, it was on this exact day in 1999, that our beloved fashion model Fabio was riding a roller coaster when his face slammed into an innocent goose flying about. The goose has never been the same, not only physically hurt but most likely physiologically traumatized. Just imagine the look on that gooses face when it suddenly turns and sees a Fabio face zooming straight at it at 100 mph. It probably froze, captivated by his eyes, I assume it just couldn’t look away. If only it had waited another minute to leave that pond.

Fabulous Fabio ended up needing nose surgery to overcome this goose assault. It was on this very day, seven years ago that the childhood hero for many was destroyed, that the lives of many were shattered as the person they had grown to admire viciously attacked a goose, and some would even go as far as to say that he lost to it. Ever since then I have avoided geese at all cost, and when necessary, wear a heavy scarf over my face when in the vicinity of our campus ponds’ Canadian geese.

Our nation was put in great peril on this very day as some nut shot then President Reagan in the chest, but due to advanced modern surgery Reagan survived. A sketchy Vice President Bush Sr. briefly took command of the country, but luckily Reagan survived. He would go onto eventually win the Cold War for us against the evil reds by brilliantly expanding our deficit and splurging on unnecessary arms.

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