As hard as it is for me to say this, it’s hard not to feel bad for the president right now. In the past, George W. Bush was a uniter. He was able to rally most of America against the policies of his administration. He was able to polarize public opinion over the War in Iraq. He was even able to make us laugh by labeling himself the “decider” and asking if our children “is learning.” As the election season heats up, however, the president has become just another lame duck trying desperately to remain relevant. The latest blow to his self esteem has come thanks to the D.C. District Court.

Last Friday, the D.C. District Court refused to review a series of cases involving what information can be presented at the “trials” of Guantanamo Bay detainees. In the past, these hearings only included evidence the military deemed “appropriate,” meaning those labeled “enemy combatants” were largely unable to present a strong defense. Last July, the D.C. District Court of Appeals changed this standard and provided Guantanamo detainees with the opportunity to present whatever evidence they saw fit to argue their case.

The Bush administration – surprisingly – is saying the decision jeopardizes national security. The problem with this response is not that it shows little regard for basic civil liberties, or that it provides another example of how willing the Bush administration is to throw around the label “jeopardizes national security” when a decision doesn’t go its way. It’s not even the more abstract idea that the Bush administration feels as if trials of enemy combatants should be conducted with certain evidence.

No, the real problem with this response is that it’s boring. It’s clear that all this waiting for the end of his term has made Bush bored. Whether it was the NSA tapping our phone lines, Democrats refusing to blindly pass a huge war bill, or rational American citizens who continue to be against the war in Iraq, the Bush administration has played the “jeopardizing national security” card. The severity of the Bush administration’s charge got lost in the endless repetition.

The question then becomes what’s next for the administration? Without a trademark phrase to acquit them of wrongdoing, how will the Bush White House continue to function over the next eleven months?

I generally hate to give advice to Republicans – especially when the advice is this good – but I think that if I hear the phrase “jeopardizes national security” one more time, my head might explode.

The answer lies in the court case I discussed above. The president made the mistake of appealing to the “D.C.” Court of Appeals, as it was pretty clear they were not going to agree to his proposed review. Instead, he should have gone to the paragon of justice itself: the “DC” Court of Appeals.

Many of you know them better as the “Justice League.”

Just imagine the scene: Democrats in Congress are arguing the surge in Iraq only provided a temporary solution which is impossible to sustain. Just think of the consequences of this discussion if you’re George W. Bush. If the Democrats are able to muster enough support, they might even reject further war spending aims which give the president total control over the conduct of the war. In a democratic nation such as ours, that lack of total control just can’t stand. Enter the Justice League.

The president stares at a large screen with the images of Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman and others, discussing with them the details of their dangerous mission to curtail sectarian violence in Iraq.

We’ve all been looking for a way to end the war, and this may be just what we need. If the Justice League vouches for the president’s plan, it stands to reason the rest of America won’t be that far behind.

The bonus of this plan is that even if the Justice League retires to their Secret Sanctuary and decides that Bush’s propositions are not, shall we say, the most noble, the administration could probably just coax Batman into “solving” our Middle East problems. He’s already teetering on the edge of insanity so it wouldn’t take much to convince him to go over there and “win one for America.” The Caped Crusader’s involvement could not only end the war in Iraq, but it could also fulfill Bush’s promise to bring peace to the Middle East, securing Bush’s legacy.

This plan accomplishes several goals. First, discussing policy with the Green Lantern would probably make the president feel much better about his lame duck status. Second, the White House wouldn’t have to worry about using the phrase “jeopardizing national security,” as the administration wouldn’t have to defend itself from the constant barrage of complaints about unconstitutionality (at least, not any more than it already does). Finally, there would be an end to the war in sight.

As we approach the five-year anniversary of the war, it’s become clear that the only way any of us can save face in Iraq and hope to erase the demons of Guantanamo Bay is if we call on the Justice League. Looks like a job for Superman.

Dan Nicastro is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].