An insidious force has bored its way into America’s heart, threatening our fundamental rights and freedoms with nonsense and silliness. Some of you will laugh and call me a conspiracy theorist, but I am only interested in the facts of conspiracies and the facts are plain to see.

Think about it. Sarah Palin and the Rev. Terry Jones have come to define the right-wing in America and they have made its public image into a laughingstock. I mean, “refudiate?”

If the next big conservative faux-pas is made by a Tea Partier named “Gilliam,” don’t say I didn’t warn you: The United States is being taken over by Monty Python.

It all started back in the 60’s when “Monty Python’s Flying Circus” first came to the United States on PBS. With a blend of subversion, surrealism and funny British accents, this devious foreign show was innocently welcomed into American homes and minds. It made people laugh and the laughter gave them a foothold on our shores.

Soon enough, the Pythons themselves started coming over here. Eric Idle has lived in the United States for some time – he’s probably the ringleader – as has John Cleese. Terry Gilliam was born in America; Terry Jones and Michael Palin remain in the United Kingdom, allegedly, and Graham Chapman remains dead, allegedly.

Now that I know the truth about how this great country is being destroyed from within, the warning signs are plain to see. I mean, a “Tea Party?” Tea parties, like Monty Python, are British. Meanwhile, a huge oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico undermined public confidence in the American president, paving the way for Tea Party victories in the mid-terms – an oil spill involving British Petroleum.

If we do not act soon, we run the risk of being re-colonized, of having to use all sorts of superfluous “U’s” and the incomprehensible grammatical styling of the Queen’s English (What’s up with not ending sentences with prepositions?). To imagine this country ruled by any monarch other than Hilary Clinton causes my patriotic blood to boil. The thought of watching soccer does not fill me with revulsion; the thought of being Anglicized enough to enjoy it does.

The Pythons are so confident they can use the Right to take over America that, shortly after the 2000 presidential election, an open letter to Americans announcing their victory and written by John Cleese was leaked online. Entitled “Letter to America,” it announced the revocation of American independence and listed several decrees the new overlords would impose, such as pronouncing aluminum “al-you-mini-um” and calling French fries “chips.”

Of course, it soon became apparent that such a declaration of victory was premature and unwarranted, so the conspiracy was able to suppress it and convince the public that it was a fake and had no connection to Cleese. Which is exactly what they want us to think.

That letter outlines their entire plan to bring the United States back under British control. But until Rev. Terry Jones appeared on the scene ready to burn Korans like the Spanish Inquisition, we didn’t know how.

You see, Sarah Palin and Rev. Terry Jones do not actually exist. They are characters created by the conspirators and played by actors. Their names are subtle clues, left by their creators as a result of the arrogance born of an Oxbridge education.

The entire Tea Party Movement has the feel of a Python sketch. Where else would conservatives behave like college students, going on protests and calling for the establishment’s overthrow, than in a surreal skit? In a show that featured a musical number about money, the last word in redundant government agencies, the greatest argument ever against gun control and taxation gone mad, it is clear that this conspiracy is very old and has been aimed at subverting American conservatives so that they would betray their country at such a crucial moment in history.

But can we fight back? Armed with the truth, we can.

Only by remaining true to the principles of comedy the Founding Fathers’ class clown friends laid out for us 234 years ago, can we hope to withstand the onslaught and survive this heinous conspiracy. Principles of rapid-paced wordplay, slapstick involving matronly women looking for love and farces set in the most sacred stomping grounds of high society.

Yes, in Marx we entrust our independence. Just remember, outside of a dog, this column is your best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

Matthew M. Robare is a Collegian columnist. He can be reached at [email protected].