In “Prom,” class president Nova Prescott (Aimee Teegarden) has worked all year to give the senior class a perfect, unforgettable prom. But when her Starry Night-themed decorations go up in flames and bad-boy Jesse Richter (Thomas McDonell) is conscripted into helping her rebuild, will Nova be robbed of the night she’s dreamed of for so long?
“Prom” was produced by Disney, a company famous for creating gritty and visceral portraits of the struggles of human existence, but in terms of reproducing reality, they’ve really upped their game with this one. Just kidding.
“Prom” is probably being marketed to 11-year-old girls or to the mentally infirm, but even they shouldn’t be able to stomach this drivel. The movie presents such a sanitized version of high school that it hurts to watch.
First, there’s the school itself. Brookside High School, the film’s generically-named setting, contains, by my count, exactly three black people, one Asian, and one stoner. Otherwise, everyone else is a white kid with a really realistic name like Simone or Anton. Everyone hangs out with a small group of friends and doesn’t know anything about anyone outside of his circle. After all, in a class of a few hundred students, how are you expected to meet more than six people in four years? But, as so frequently happens in real life, all of them serendipitously cross paths with their ideal partners two weeks before prom, even though they somehow missed them over the entire course of their academic careers. This is high school as envisioned by children who have yet to go to high school; it’s hard to believe an adult wrote this movie.
The presentation of prom is, if possible, even more nauseatingly vanilla. Where are the drunk people? Where is the violent, sweaty grinding on the dance floor? These essential prom elements are nowhere to be found. Instead there’s merely a string of Christmas lights and a fountain, with the couples maintaining an unrealistically respectful distance between their bodies. Plus, no one at this school merely asks someone to the dance with words. Instead they do it with body paint, acrostic poetry and skywriting. If the filmmakers intended these antics to be cute, they failed. They are revolting.
The storylines in this movie are clichéd beyond belief. There is literally not a single glimmer of originality to be found in 103 minutes. Beyond the “good girl meets boy from the wrong side of the tracks and they learn from each other” tale which comprises the main storyline, there are a number of subplots which range from “loser trying to find a date” to “unfaithful boyfriend drama.” The endings of each of these subplots can be predicted within seconds.
While “Prom” makes a few insipid attempts at comedy, the only truly (and unintentionally) hilarious moment in the film comes when a shed full of Nova’s prom decorations burns down, making the whole scenario even more unrealistic, since it is never referred to again. Are we really expected to believe that a school system this sterile wouldn’t investigate a freak case of arson?
The performances are fine, for what they are. Teegarden is inoffensively bland as the incessant good girl Nova. The only real connection she manages to evoke with the audience is sympathy, not for the character, but for the actress herself. We cringe just as much as Teegarden herself likely did as she had to spout off sickening monologues about the spiritual and philosophical importance of prom night. McDonell’s character is like a watered down version of the kids from “The Outsiders,” but at least he looks the part. There are a few actors who manage somewhat more capably, especially Kylie Bunbury, who plays the girlfriend of an unfaithful lacrosse player, and Danielle Campbell, as a girl caught between a jock and a nerd. The effectiveness of their performances, however, is bolstered by the fact that the two actresses probably have ten lines between them. There wasn’t enough time for the awful material to swallow them whole.
Whether or not you’d like to relive your high school prom, this movie isn’t the way to do it. You will roll your eyes so much over the course of this film that you will leave the theater with permanent ocular damage.
Ian Opolski can be reached at [email protected].
