Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
It’s Valentine’s Day and you still don’t have a date?
Just kidding. This is a satire article for goodness’ sake, what position are we in to judge anybody? If you’re still alone this Valentine’s Day, you’re not the only one. In fact, if you live on the University of Massachusetts campus, you’re in very good company.
According to the Social University Statistics (SUS) research department, 69 percent of UMass students are single. From this group of singles, only 30 percent of them have stated that they are “single and ready to mingle” while the vast majority have stated that they are “single and not ready to mingle.” First-years are disproportionately represented among single students. In fact, SUS studies show that four out of every three freshmen are single.
We asked freshman accounting major Shia Guy about his decision to be single.
“A decision? Being single isn’t a decision! What made you think that I’m single? Are you just asking that because I’m an accounting major?” Guy asked. “Because that’s so not true. Unlike other guys who are single because of their insufferable personalities, I’m single because I think girls are scary and I don’t want to talk to them.”
To help students find love this semester, the University’s administration attempted to step up their wingman game.
Many students turn to dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble in order to find matches on campus. In response, UMass administration recently commissioned a group of computer science majors to develop a new online speed-dating platform. Users will have to use their NetID and two-factor authentication to log in, as this platform will be accessible through the Student Center dropdown menu on Spire.
This project ultimately proved to be a failure, as the beta launch of the platform repeatedly caused Spire to crash. This was a serious issue during add/drop week, as students reported being unable to access their enrollment shopping carts, their screens blocked by a pop-up prompt asking for their name, age, location, photo and a “little biography about yourself.”
Another SUS study found that Franklin Dining Commons is the most popular dining hall among single students, though this didn’t come as a surprise to anyone.
In order to encourage romantic socialization, management at Frank pushed all of the long tables to one edge of the hall for a designated “singles seating area.” This effort also ultimately proved to be ineffective, as single students buckled under the awkwardness of sharing a dining table with strangers and ultimately refused to sit across from one another. As an alternative, these students ended up sitting at Frank’s notoriously dusty outdoor tables which usually remain completely vacant.
It’s pretty clear that UMass’ attempts to get students to mingle aren’t any help, so here’s a solution: give students the day off on Valentine’s Day. It’s pretty clear that they’re not doing too well being here.
Sophomore Allie Baimaiselph lives in a suite in Maple Hall in the Commonwealth Honors College. She reports that all of her roommates are in relationships.
“And I really don’t mind it most of the time, but on Valentine’s Day you get reminded of just how lonely you really are,” Baimaiselph lamented. “And when you have a bunch of single students feeling that way at the same time and in the same place, things get weird. It’d be better if we all just stayed home.”
On Valentine’s Day, we followed Baimaiselph to the Maple common room where single students on her floor, after being kicked out of the room by their non-single roommates for the night, gathered together to comfort each other in somber and vaguely flirtatious ways.
For example, students were seen comparing hand sizes with one another in order to inadvertently fill the void of physical contact. Arm wrestling seemed to be another popular activity, as it was yet another excuse to touch someone else’s hand without having to strike up any genuine conversation.
It cannot be denied that the singles in Maple showed exemplary community togetherness. They sat in a circle and facilitated a “deep and meaningful conversation” time where each student got a turn to talk about their feelings and subtly project their insecurities onto everyone else. A common topic of conversation for students was the appraisal and subsequent doxing of long-gone exes who literally not a single other student in the circle would know or care about.
Can’t UMass see that this cycle of commiseration isn’t helping anyone? The best thing they can do for single students on Valentine’s Day is to let them go home. When we’re home, at least we can feel lonely the way it’s meant to be felt: by actually being alone.
Kelly McMahan can be reached at [email protected].
