The month-long debate surrounding Sam the Minuteman’s sex appeal has reared its ugly head, as a protest broke out at 11 a.m. today outside of the Whitmore Administration building by infuriated University of Massachusetts students and faculty.
Within the past few weeks, concern has grown within the UMass community about Sam the Minuteman’s raw masculinity and sexual prowess. While the majority of campus views their sexual attraction to Sam as part of the UMass experience, others are tired of being in a constant state of arousal.
“They should’ve known better than to put such a strong, sexy chin on our mascot,” said home economics professor Anita P. Badlee. “I actually had to take down my signed Minuteman poster from my office. Students would come in for office hours and stare at his suave, chiseled form instead of focusing on the edits I gave to their advanced dishwashing papers.”
Badlee isn’t alone. Newly single Mike Oxhurts recounted his painful separation from his girlfriend of four years at the meaty hands of the alluring Paul Revere look-alike.
“At first she wanted me to wear this strange tricorn hat in bed,” said Oxhurts, visibly distraught. “I didn’t think it was weird until she slipped up and called me Sam.”
Oxhurts tried to receive counseling from the Center for Counseling and Psychological Health but was horrified to find that Sam had slept with his therapist too. A recent campus poll revealed that 78 percent of students and faculty consider themselves to be samsexual, or primarily attracted to depictions of Revolutionary War propaganda dressed up in red sweater vests.
“How am I supposed to compete with beauty standards like this?” shouted the future bowling alley manager to no one in particular. “God, I miss her.”
Unsurprisingly, a vicious counterprotest formed to respond to the Sam slander mere minutes after the initial protest formed.
“The British aren’t the only ones coming when Sam’s around, let’s just get that straight,” said Ben Dover, the Student Government Association’s Head of Head Committee. Dover recently sponsored a motion within the SGA to mandate assignment extensions to those with sexual obligations to the mascot.
“Frankly, it’s unfair for teachers to expect us to finish a paper on the same night that Sam comes over. He’s called the Minuteman, but my Lord, he can go all night,” reasoned Dover, flaunting a sign that pictured the mascot, shirtless and flexing bulging muscles, surrounded by hearts.
“Yeah, that’s anatomically accurate,” said counterprotester and alcohol consumption student Vye Brator, pointing to Dover’s sign. “Mascots are supposed to be something that the whole school can come together on, and who wouldn’t want to come together on that!”
UMass administration has yet to act, but they have assured students that they “have Sam in their thoughts, prayers and dirtiest desires” during these trying times.
Eric Shen can be reached at eshen@umass.edu and unfollowed on Twitter @EricShen
