This week, an estimated 427.3 rising sophomore students found themselves looking for a room on campus without a single vacancy left, an unprecedented magnitude for the University of Massachusetts (they don’t usually deal with decimal points).
“The housing system at UMass was designed for a far lower number of sophomores, however, due to an unexpected increase in the admissions standards of Boston University, UMass is now overcome with an abnormally large class of rising sophomores, bringing the housing system to its knees,” said Samuel Spire, a part time Residential Life manager at the University and full-time cornhole champion.
The more pressing issue is the prognosis for these 427.3 rising sophomores, as well as their significant others and various others they might be extra friendly with. Finding themselves in such an unexpectedly dire circumstance so late into the year, the future looks bleak for those affected by what is being called “the Great Un-dorming.” Thankfully, the UMass community is strong, and its students and administration alike are banding together to solve the issue at hand.
Rising Sophomore Moon Ami, who is leading the Student Housing Independence Trust group, also known as ****, spoke to us about the origins of the committee. “The team first met in the comments section of an Instagram post by UMass that announced they’d be shipping free pennants to class of 2026 admits.” Students were not amused. In response, one freshman quipped, “Can I trade my pennant for a room on campus?” Among the sea of teenage angst and unproductive snarkiness, however, some freshman strived to make Kumble “Swamy” Subbaswamy proud by commenting, “Everyone will work together to build a new dorm out of pennants”, and another pleading “Donate your pennants to help sophomores build a shelter.”
This effort quickly gained momentum in the Van Meter freshman community, which has now come together to gather an impressive amount of pennants, as well as other sustainable, strong building materials to expand the existing shack on the hill behind Worcester Dining Commons to accommodate its new residents.
Inspired by all of this effort and the accompanying media attention, a subgroup of the UMass administration, the Committee for Crisis of the University of Massachusetts, has quickly put together a strategy to immediately solve the crisis currently plaguing the campus.
The leading member of the committee, Carpenter Manning, who asked to remain anonymous, spoke to Morning Wood reporters about their plan. “Now, more than ever, we need the support of the UMass community. Our committee has worked tirelessly to expedite the necessary bureaucratic processes we have to go through before giving the students what they need, which usually takes 7-12 years. We’ve enlisted the help of the Building and Construction Technology department and Architecture majors, as well as the UMass Deforestry Club and the football team to work together to solve this crisis as soon as we can, and for free,” said Manning.
Attempting to sound legitimately enthusiastic, Manning continued, “Northwest Residential Area is going to be the best one yet.”
Ash Hardwood can be reached in line at Blue Wall.
