Kids, Halloween is right around the corner. Do you even have a costume picked out yet? I bet you don’t. I bet you’re going to wait until the last minute, grab something lying around the apartment, throw it on, and pass it off as a “costume.” As College students, you can’t really afford to go to the K-mart or Wal-mart and get one of those plastic bag jobbies. Those are unoriginal anyway. So I, your Tuesday columnist, would like to offer some fun-filled Halloween costume ideas and some tips on Halloween safety.
I’m no Martha Stewart, but I think that I’ve done enough trick-or-treating to offer a bit of advice on how to have an enjoyable All Hallow’s Eve. For those of you who don’t celebrate Halloween for whatever reason, whether you don’t believe in it because you think it’s a pagan holiday, it was created by marketing execs at Hershey’s, or you think dressing as a witch is blasphemous to the poor individuals killed in the many witch trials throughout history, I have two words for you: free candy.
Halloween is one of the only nights of the year you can act like a child, be whomever you want and use glow-sticks without looking like a foolish person on ecstasy. Allow me to present to you, in no particular order, my ideas for Halloween 2001.
Tom Ridge: For one splendid evening you can be the new Secretary of Homeland Defense. Costume must include 1 bold-colored tie, 1 set of dark eyebrows (Dukakis- thick), a navy suit and 1 American flag pennant, preferably on the left lapel. I however, urge you to be your own Ridge and put it anywhere you want. If people ask you questions try to look as confused as possible and if they ask about your title, just start talking about Pennsylvannia or the Amish.
Firefighter or Policeman: I’ve heard these costumes are popular with the kids. That’s great, but if you’re a big boy and you’re in uniform, chances are the ladies will think you’re a stripper. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, I’m just warning you.
Katie Couric and Matt Lauer: This is my favorite for coed trick-or-treating. The woman must have orangish self-tanner skin tone and an adorable smile. The man must look good in expensive suit and be able to follow Katie’s lead.
Tom Brokaw: This one is a great choice for the older costume-clad, graduate student or professor. The wearer must be able to say anything with authority. Construct a news desk out of cardboard and attach to the lower half of your body. This costume does not require pants.
Personally, I love the journalist costumes. I always get a chuckle when I look in old scrapbooks and see old Halloween photos of myself dressed as a little Diane Sawyer. One year I went as Barbara Walters. That was the same year I got egged and the other kids said I wasn’t a “real” journalist. When I was ten I went out as Mickey Rooney, but the costume wasn’t very authentic because I couldn’t find a big, old-fashioned stopwatch. Instead I got a plastic one, wore it around my neck and was mistaken for a white Flava-Flav.
Dubya: This one’s going to be really popular this year, although you could probably go out as Clint Eastwood and get the same effect. The wearer must be able to look scared, sympathetic and in control all at the same time, which is no easy task I assure you. Given that Halloween’s tomorrow, you best start practicing now. Furrowed brow and detachable big ears are a must. There are two outfits you can work with: serious, speech-giving-Bush, which requires a suit, blue tie, and shiny shoes, or vacationing-on-the-ranch-Bush, which includes a cowboy hat, plaid shirt, jeans and boots. OOOOH I forgot about Kennebunkport Bush. For this one you’ll need boat shoes, Dockers, and a windbreaker. These are great ideas – I’m going to market them to Mattel as action figures.
Bin Laden: You knew this one was coming. Costume Requirements: Pretty basic. A white turban and beard. Also, the wearer must have an assault weapon on hand and a case of Pepsi. Offer a can to anyone who crosses your path. When you give it to them, denounce American capitalism and tell them it’s the “choice of a new generation.” This one might be dangerous. “Invisible Pedestrian” is probably a smarter choice.
There are, of course, countless other costume possibilities. You have your basics: ghost, witch, clown, devil, angel, hooker, kitty, etc. Those are all fun and easy, but you’re an adult now. Challenge yourself, for chrissakes. Do not, I repeat, do not attach a vacuum tube to yourself and tell people your costume “sucks.” That’s the lamest thing in the history of Halloween costumes. It’s not your costume that sucks. It’s you.
While Trick-or-Treating always go with a buddy. If an old lady gives you pennies, throw them at her. Always carry a flashlight, so that you can signal Batman. Check all apples for razor blades. Actually if you’re going to accept apples as a treat you should have a horrible accident. Be careful, but more importantly have a good time. I hope this column has been helpful and will add to your Halloween enjoyment.
