For over a century, The Massachusetts Daily Collegian was a virtual monopoly on campus, the main and only source of news, other than the struggling Socialist Worker, and the unpredictable Minuteman. Times were good, with most students relying on the rich content of the dependable Collegian to quench their thirst for news.
The toughest competition, the Campus Chronicle, disappeared last spring due to Romney’s budget cuts. The Socialist Worker newspaper continues to chug out news about “Amerika’s evil capitali$t ways,” remaining an anomaly, as they give out copies for free, yet take no ads. Maybe someone should break it to them that if socialism failed in Russia, China, Vietnam, North Korea and Cuba, perhaps they should give it up and get a job.
Thus this era of peace and tranquility for The Collegian was brought to a painful end when the student senate, elected by over five percent of the student body, decided to introduce daily free copies of some major nationally known newspapers.
Weak-minded people such as your peers are taking these newspapers, owned by large corporations. Preying on the kleptomaniac nature of the average college student, they have slowly succeeded in infiltrating just about all of campus. Do not read such foul trash I warn all, for The Collegian is a far superior paper.
Unlike other well-known newspapers, the columns in The Collegian, such as this very article, don’t go on and on about ridiculous and meaningless topics that don’t seem to go anywhere.
Columnists in the paper are forced to undergo a grueling set of tests that analyze their wit, speed and physical endurances. After this a year long initiation process is set forth where writers have to do ridiculous tasks in order to be accepted as a fellow Collegian columnist, such as wrestling with the vicious campus swans or eating DC food. Once hired, these dedicated writers volunteer their time for free and spend countless hours working on their articles.
Those free nationally recognized papers are bad influences on us all, with lingerie ads that objectify beautiful with stunning women, and ads for cell phones that may be found one day to cause radiation. As an employee of The Collegian, I don’t know this first hand, as I must follow the unwritten rule not to read any of my paper’s competition, but have heard of these misdeeds from my peers.
The Collegian is also made of a finer material, one that reduces the amount of paper cuts received. A state of the art carefully refined smoother manufacturing process of the paper ensures minimal blood loss when reading.
With a fresher scent and the ability to be recycled, the paper is also great for origami. In fact, some die-hard silly putty fans have stated that they felt silly putty made better imprints on The Collegian than any other paper.
The nationally recognized papers being given out in our Campus Center and DC’s are not entirely useless, however. An informal unscientific survey conducted last November yielded some interesting results. About seven out of 10 students polled said they found no difference in taste between DC food and a fried and salted USA Today, and two out of 10 said they actually preferred eating a USA Today. In another poll, about 60 percent of UMass students said they preferred using these newspapers to the toilet paper provided by UMass, which is so thin that it’s literally see through.
Thus I urge and plead that all those who support The Collegian and those that care for quality news coverage and editorials to show their support by taking out their favorite ed/op, possibly this one, and sticking it to their door. Show all who pass by what you stand for, that you are not some apathetic, self-centered college student but truly have morals that you deeply believe in. Whenever you have a chance cut out another Collegian article and stick it to someone else’s door, bathroom stall, the campus swans, and yes, even on trees.
Show your UMass pride. Read The Collegian.
Gilad Skolnick is a Collegian columnist.
