Celebrity Gossip:Shaken, Not Stirred-The Antics of Huckabee and Brown

By Maddie Drake

Chris Brown MCT

Back for more of my deeply addictive prose? Don’t expect too much; my writing’s been a little jilted these days as a result of the unhealthy amount of class-skipping in which I have been allowing myself to indulge. It’s our only life, for crying out loud! I will, however, allow myself to buckle down here and produce one measly specimen of productivity for the sake of entertainment. 

One of the more interesting stories in the news involves Mike Huckabee, my parents’ personal hero and a man who I personally believe symbolizes America’s demise more strongly than our nation’s perennial worship at the Temple of Walmart. Huckabee decided that instead of using the power of words to campaign for issues that matter, such as oh, I don’t know, human rights, he was going to take a verbal dump on a refined, intelligent, talented pregnant woman such as Natalie Portman. Actually, it was about the newly-pregnant Portman, who is having a baby with her fiancé. Huckabee stated that, “it’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of-wedlock children . . . most single moms are poor, uneducated, can’t get a job, and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care.” Not to get all political, but apparently Huckabee is choosing to ignore the entire Bristol Palin situation.

Another kind of gross story revolves around Chris Brown releasing nude pictures (yeah….). I’m going to be honest, looking up stories about him makes me feel a little nauseous because you either end up with “candid” snapshots of him looking all cutesy and holding puppies and whatnot- obviously to draw your attention away from the fact that he, oh you know, beat Rihanna up a year ago- or you get pictures of him and his new blonde hair and God knows looking at those produces the same uncomfortable sensation as does staring at the sun. These nude pictures were apparently for a girlfriend but obviously didn’t reach their destination, to which all I can say is congratulations Chris, you’ve officially reached the intelligence level of those numerous all-American high school freshman caught in a scandalous sextcapade.

In light of all this, there are certainly lessons to be learned from Huckabee and Brown. Women>Men. No, no, no, that’s sexist. I’m sorry. But there’s definitely a lesson in there. I just really don’t feel like finding it.