BREAKING – Per sources, the University of Massachusetts announced plans on Thursday to break ground on a swimming pool in the basement of the Isenburger school of management.
Starting in 2023, UMass will abandon its efforts to fix flooding issues in the Isenburger building. Instead, Chancellor Scuba-Swampy will use the leaking sewage water and rainwater to fill up a new public swimming pool. The pool will be free of charge to Isenbro students and alumni. It will be available to the rest of the campus community at the low cost of $100 per session.
“Today is a great day to be a Minuteman!” Scuba-Swampy’s public relations director Chris S. Averted said in an email to students. “We are turning a negative aspect of our campus into an overwhelmingly positive one and I could not be more excited about the decision to open this swimming pool using water directly from mother nature.”
According to multiple anonymous sources familiar with the situation, the university has “no f-ing clue” how it will actually go about construction of the swimming pool and is simply “flying by the seat of its pants” to shut down any and all negative attention given to the beloved school of management. Initial ideas are to buy a big blue tarp and duct tape it over the walls and floor, while other building planners have pitched a less structured idea where they just leave the building exactly as is and provide goggles to students on rainy days.
Despite having very little information and no plan whatsoever, Scuba-Swampy still announced the idea to the campus as if he already knew exactly how he wanted to make it happen.
“Honestly it’s like low key such a good idea by ‘Scubz’ to give us this swimming pool, I’m bouta be so shredded next year,” Isenbro Kyle Kyleson said. “He’s a goat for that, straight up.”
Many students who took classes in the basement of the Isenburger building are now wondering where those lectures will be held after the change is implemented, but research showed that class attendance in the basement hovered around five students per session anyways, so for now professors will set up shop in their own offices and conduct classes from there. Kyleson is one of the students affected by this change as he took OIM420 in the Isenburger basement.
“Wait, I had a class down there?” Kyleson said. “I mean, no, yeah of course, it’s gonna be a pretty tough transition but I have good grades so I’ll be able to manage it … hey, can you cut out that part where I didn’t know I had classes there?”
UMass is hoping filling the swimming pool with natural water sources will help with its sustainability efforts, but sources say officials “don’t actually know what sustainability is” so research is still being conducted to determine the validity of the sustainable aspects of the pool.
Scuba-Swampy is also taking ideas from the campus community; two of the most popular student-led initiatives are filling the pool with piranhas or “skinny-dip Sunday,” but more ideas will be brainstormed in the coming days.
Construction is set to take place during finals week, or “whenever it’s most inconvenient to students,” according to yet another anonymous source.
Scooby Diver cannot be reached. Seriously, don’t even think about it.
