Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical and is meant for humorous purposes only. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
On Monday, April 1, University of Massachusetts Libraries held its annual Edible Book Festival on the 26th floor of W.E.B. Du Bois Library. At the event, participants were encouraged to bring homemade pieces of artwork representing their favorite works of literature. Each artistic creation is made entirely of edible materials and will be judged for its taste and presentation.
While the popular event has been celebrated by libraries across the world since 2000, not every student was aware of the event’s contents.
“These are the worst edibles I’ve ever tasted,” said Lon Moore, a freshman business major. “Some dude built the sandworm from Dune out of cheesecake, and I was like ‘yo this is gonna hit,’ but like dude, I’ve been sitting here waiting for it to kick in for like three hours now and there’s still nothing.”
Isaac Cox, a junior economics major, echoed Moore’s remarks. “I don’t know what they used in all this, but like, dude, they gotta get a better plug,” said Cox. “My brother at Theta told me this was happening today, and I was pumped, dude. It was tough trying to find the place though, like, I didn’t even know UMass had a library.”
Cox said that his favorite edible creation was the “Fifty Shades of Earl Grey” cake. “There were handcuffs made of Nerds Ropes and a whip made of Twizzlers. It was sick,” said Cox.
Another attendee, Anita Dickinson, a sophomore nursing major, believes the event needed clearer marketing. “I thought this was going to be, like, a book club for stoners or something. I literally just smoked a bowl for nothing,” said Dickinson. “Lowkey though, a book club for stoners needs to happen. I read ‘Call Me by Your Name’ while stoned. Incredible experience.”
Upon hearing about the disappointed reactions from students, UMass Spokesperson Neil Anblomi made some big promises for the 2024-2025 academic year. “To any student who attended the Edible Book Festival, I feel your frustration. To correct this wrongdoing, the University will be providing all students with a $10 gift card to the Heirloom Collective dispensary.”
Piper Hardwick can’t be reached. She has better things to do.
