Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical and is meant for humorous purposes only. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.

On Sunday, March 31, gracious Chancellor Reyes announced a new tour initiative that would better promote the University of Massachusetts to prospective students and their families: tour groups will now be brought to your door. Literally.

Students in Cashin Hall, Patterson Hall, Van Meter Hall, John Quincy Adams Hall, Elm Hall and Mary Lyon Hall can expect tour groups to cycle through their dorm rooms at random from 8 a.m. to 5:38 p.m. Residents can expect the morning delights of someone’s mother shaming them for their messy room or collection of Bud Light cardboard boxes. Somone’s father may try to slyly hit on residents to relive his glory days after he fails to notice the pride flag in the corner of your room.

When asked more about the inspiration, Reyes recounted that after so much success with bringing multiple large tours groups through dining halls during rush hours, there was no way they could miss out on dorms tours as a new marketing opportunity. “After leaving so many clueless families in the dining hall to meander around awkwardly looking for tables while blocking your way, we wanted to find even more inconvenient ways for students to suffer,” the chancellor said.

That’s where the genius of the tour routes come from –– letting the families see students’ mental deterioration in real time.

However, the new tour routes impose extra rules on residents. Students in these halls are expected to be awake and presentable during tour hours and are not allowed to nap or lay in their beds. No nefarious activities can occur during these hours, including fornication, playing any of the Persona games and texting their ex to feel a glimmer of validation.

“We need to put our best foot forward for our lovely guests,” Reyes said, with a cold, unblinking gaze fixed with a bone-chilling smile, “which is why anyone talking bad about me or the University to prospective students will be handled.”

Fake or genuine, students are advised to “Be Revolutionary” and enjoy the new invasion of privacy by UMass.

Cleo Tauris can be reached in his dorm room from 8 a.m. to 5:38 p.m.