Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical and is meant for humorous purposes only. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
The world was shocked on Monday, June 17, when Ford announced that former professional football player and glove enthusiast Orenthal James Simpson would star in its upcoming commercial to promote the 2025 Ford Bronco, coming exclusively in white.
Simpson, best known for his playing days with the Buffalo Bills, is also known for being one of the most prolific celebrity golfers, saying in an interview days before the COVID-19 shutdown that he would go “crazy” if all the golf courses closed.
Leaked footage received from an anonymous source shows some quirky qualities that exist within the new Ford Bronco. For example, you’re always on the phone with the Los Angeles Police Department and they’re always trying to get you to pull over for some reason, even if you’re the only car on the road. Also, every make of the car comes with an inflatable doll of Al Cowlings that “must be in the front seat to talk you down,” as Simpson said in the unreleased commercial footage.
The new Bronco can also only reach 45 miles-per-hour on the highway.
The strangest thing that wasn’t included in the leaked footage, but rather announced through Ford and Simpson himself, was the included potential add-on purchase of special “driving gloves” that are a size too small. Included with the gloves is a special message, reading “if these gloves fit, you’ve made a life-altering mistake.” Simpson himself hasn’t purchased the driving gloves, though his lawyer insists he try them on.
What was most shocking about this situation was the fact that Simpson wanted to be involved with Ford at all, considering the period in his life where the association between the two of them began. When Simpson’s famous chase with the Bronco happened, he had been retired for 15 years and just missed football a little extra that day.
Just minutes after the partnership was announced, Ford found that Simpson had been embezzling funds from the company to his own personal bank account. He was found not guilty in the ensuing civil trial.
Simpson is set to release a book called “If I Did It: The Confessions of an Embezzler.”
Glo VeDon’tfit hasn’t been seen since this piece was released. We’re not too worried though. O.J. is a standup guy and will find him.
