Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical and is meant for humorous purposes only. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
Alpha Sigma Sigma member Wayne King, a freshman embezzlement major, is running for the University of Massachusetts Student Government Association (SGA) president on a platform of “things and stuff.”
King was obliged to run after he lost his fraternity’s fantasy football league last fall. “I didn’t even know the SGA existed before I drafted Aaron Rodgers with the first pick,” King said. “But, man, I can get paid three hundred bucks a week if I win this race?”
Mike Ropenice, a junior member of Alpha Sigma Sigma, says King put $100 into the pool before making a series of errors described as “unbelievably naïve.”
“He would just accept any trade,” Ropenice said. “I got a solid backup receiver for a printout of a Tito’s bottle. Freshmen, ya know?”
If elected, he plans to resign after a week, after recouping his losses and pocketing $200. He’s considering staying on to receive the more than $10,000 allocated for the position.
“My loss has given me an opportunity. I want money, and I can make so much here. I’m a student, and this is not theft,” King said.
King surprised the sole attendee of the debate by announcing surprisingly substantive plans to reopen UPub. “It’s cool, you know? As a member of Greek life, I…,” King said, trailing off as he watched a goose fly past the Student Union.
Candidate Jenny Tailia, a three-year member of SGA who serves as the secretary of resume building, stammered as she tried to defend SGA’s inaction on the UPub issue. “The space formerly occupied by a sinful, institutionally bereft bar is now valuable storage space. We need that space to store very, very important documents,” Tailia said.
Tailia could not name what type of documents were stored, and objected when King called her defense “not cool, bro.”
“We need to… baba booey[sic],” said King. “That’s what I’ve always said. I’ll never not say it. As a member of Greek Life, I’ve said it a lot. I say it all the time.”
The election will be held next week. Turnout is expected to exceed two percent — a record.
Paul Avery cannot be reached.
