Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical. It is meant for humorous purposes. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
You’re going home for the long weekend and you’re looking forward to sleeping in your childhood bed, eating homemade meals and not having to fold your laundry. But what happens when the “rest and relaxation” is shattered by “questions and interrogation?”
We’ve put together a short list of ten things you should not say to your parents when they ask you the inevitable: “How’s college going?”
1. “Haha, thanks!”
This is not a viable response.
2. “Hi ‘how’s college going?’ I’m Dad.”
No, you’re not. Stop trying to be Dad. You’ll never be Dad.
3. (Jumps onto windowsill) “You’ll never take me alive! Go go gadget getaway jetpack!” (Nothing happens)
Equipping yourself with an automatic voice-activated escape jetpack requires hard work and dedication, but it’s not like you’d know anything about that.
4. “I’ve been really getting into Morrissey lately.”
There’s never a good time to reveal something like this. You really shouldn’t have watched “(500) Days of Summer” at such a vulnerable age.
5. “Hey ChatGPT, give me an answer to ‘How is college going?’ Respond as college student, accomplished and smart, 150 words casual tone but formal to make them proud of me, citations, two paragraphs.
Certainly! Here’s a response: College life is proving to be an exhilarating journey filled with academic triumphs and personal growth. I’ve maintained a strong focus on my studies, achieving top grades in my courses thus far. My professors have commended my dedication to scholarship, citing my insightful contributions during discussions and my meticulous approach to assignments. Additionally, I’ve had the privilege of engaging in enriching extracurricular activities, such as serving as a research assistant in the biology department, where I’ve honed my analytical skills and expanded my understanding of the scientific process (Smith, 2023).”
If you’re going to copy and paste from ChatGPT to talk to your family, at least remember to remove your prompt, for goodness’ sake.
6. “I’d like my lawyer present.”
Smart move. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
7. “I really miss the Worcester Dining Commons Mediterranean chicken special.”
There’s no way you just referred to Woo by its full, government name. If you say this, you are definitely a UMass Dining industry plant.
8. “The Federal Reserve Bank needs to print more money.”
Respectfully, this is not the time to give your poor macroeconomic takes without understanding the delicate monetary implications of our current state of inflation.
9. “And all our yesterdays have lighted fools / The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player / That struts and frets his hour upon the stage And then is heard no more: it is a tale / Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury / Signifying nothing. (Mac. 5.5.103-104)”
Important note: You are not signifying anything about your college experience. You are just reciting the Act 5 Scene 5 Macbeth soliloquy plus MLA (ver. 9) in-text citation.
10. “Gosh Dad, did you have these many girlfriends when you were in college?”
Way to flex on your own father, geez…
Ben Ten can be reached by standing on your tiptoes and extending your arms and hands out in front of you really, really far.
