Editor’s Note: The following column is satirical and is meant for humorous purposes only. All interviews and individuals are fictitious.
Due to the overwhelming number of students that request on-campus housing on a yearly basis at the University of Massachusetts, the once-defunct UPub in the Campus Center is being transformed into new University housing, according to reports.
UPub, once a shining example of how we can better integrate alcoholism into academic settings, has been shuttered since the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic.
Since its abandonment, rumors have abounded of what exactly is going on behind the closed doors of the closed establishment in recent years. Students have reported seeing ladders and construction materials where patrons once enjoyed watered down Bud Lights and flirted with middle-aged dining hall workers.
Now, the University has announced its new housing initiative to combat overcrowding: the addition of 18-and-a-half new dormitories in the space that UPub previously occupied. The half room is due to building constraints, forcing a dorm room to share space with the slimy janitor’s closet.
Dorm rooms will become available immediately for students to use. Demand for the rooms has skyrocketed in recent days, perhaps due to the revelation that UPub residents will have constant, uninterrupted access to the building’s supply of beer, wine and liquor that have stood the test of time since UPub’s closure.
“I mean, f**k. I’m genuinely an alcoholic. I literally need to live here. I’m ready to fight for my rights,” said Harold Dumplesworth, a seventh-year senior English and public policy double major, as he brandished a sword.
The prospect of unlimited access to alcohol for a college student is certainly tantalizing, but aren’t all those beverages…old? Like, four years old? Morning Wood reached out to the UMass Office of Waste Management (OWM) to discuss the possibility of contamination and, in the worst-case, the alcohol becoming stronger due to aging and leading to January 6th-style riots across campus.
“It’s probably fine. I don’t really know or care. I’m 49 years old and I’m stuck in a college’s sanitation department. I’m basically a glorified garbage man,” Berger Sherger Flerger, an assistant manager at OWM, told Morning Wood, as a single tear rolled down his face.
On behalf of Morning Wood, we’re sincerely sorry for your life situation, Mr. Flerger.
At the end of the day, we can all be grateful that the University is taking this action to ease the housing crisis. We can only hope that UPub Residence Hall will relieve some pressure from our strained infrastructure.
And…free alcohol! C’mon, It’s free alcohol!
Frink McDink IV can be found guzzling expired PBRs in the half-room at UPub Residence Hall.
