When I came to college for the first time in September 2021, I was numb from blankets of trauma that shielded me from internalized shame. I had an objectively normal freshman year, squeezing out A’s in all of my easy classes and staying up until 3 a.m. with the residents of my dorm. On the outside I was smiling, but on the inside, my soul was searching for connection.
At the start of my sophomore year, I joined the Massachusetts Daily Collegian as an assistant socials editor, and I instantly enjoyed working under the leadership of our head socials editor. I enjoyed ramping up the Collegian’s presence on Instagram and making sure every University of Massachusetts student saw our work. After a spring semester abroad in Barcelona, I returned to the Collegian in the fall as head public relations coordinator.
This was my first time testing my leadership skills in college. As such, I worked to promote our organization across campus, perfecting my tabling pitch and cramming large crowds of students into the Collegian office. Word was catching that the PR team was growing and popping off this year, with my face at the head.
Internally, I struggled to give myself credit. I kept making stories in my head about all the things I was doing wrong. I felt that people only saw me as the PR person and not J.C., a feeling that was far too familiar in my life.
Since I was a little boy, I was forced to navigate a society that didn’t welcome people like me. My life quickly became about my external achievements; my perfect score on the fourth grade math MCAS exam, my status as class representative for all three years of middle school and my placement in the top 10 of my high school graduating class. Looking outside for gratification was like running a marathon with no finish line.
Eventually, I started to turn my focus inward. I began to get curious about myself, open up about my sexuality and seek help from mental health professionals. That’s when I realized that I don’t have to listen to the demands of the outside world.
Currently, I am taking things at my own pace. I’m not going into corporate America like most of my Isenberg counterparts. My main focus moving forward is me, and my happiness, joy and fulfillment in life. I’m exploring options that will allow me space to heal, such as mentoring the most underprivileged communities of children in the United States, pursuing a graduate degree or teaching English to children in Spain.
Despite the challenges I face, I have so many blessings to count across the communities I’ve made over the last three years. I have a family that has been by my side every step of the way and loves me unconditionally. I’ve experienced college with the most positive and incredible group of individuals on campus as a UMass tour guide. Lastly, I had the privilege of being a head editor at the student-run newspaper of UMass that has been running since 1890.
Little J.C. would be exceptionally proud of me.
Jonathan Carnes was the Head Public Relations Coordinator. He can be reached at [email protected].
