Scrolling Headlines:

Minutewomen hold on to defeat VCU, snap losing streak -

January 22, 2018

America’s misguided war on low-income financial assistance -

January 22, 2018

Blue lights aren’t needed on campus anymore -

January 22, 2018

Cupcakke’s ‘Ephorize’ proves it’s time to take her seriously -

January 22, 2018

Netflix series ‘The End of the F***ing World’ packs a punch -

January 22, 2018

UMass hockey falls flat in 5-0 loss to Northeastern -

January 20, 2018

UMass women’s track and field takes first, men fourth at Joe Donahue Games -

January 20, 2018

Sanzo: UMass’ game vs. St. Louis is a sign of what it is without its grit -

January 20, 2018

UMass men’s basketball gets blown out by Saint Louis, 66-47 -

January 20, 2018

UMass hockey shuts down No. 8 Northeastern with 3-0 win -

January 19, 2018

Matt Murray hands Northeastern its first shutout of the season -

January 19, 2018

Minutewomen stunned by last-second free throw -

January 19, 2018

UMass hockey returns home to battle juggernaut Northeastern squad -

January 18, 2018

Slow start sinks Minutemen against URI -

January 17, 2018

UMass three-game win streak snapped in Rhode Island humbling -

January 17, 2018

Trio of second period goals leads Maine to 3-1 win over UMass hockey -

January 16, 2018

Small-ball lineup sparks UMass men’s basketball comeback over Saint Joseph’s -

January 14, 2018

UMass men’s basketball tops St. Joe’s in wild comeback -

January 14, 2018

UMass women’s track and field have record day at Beantown Challenge -

January 14, 2018

UMass women’s basketball blows halftime lead to Saint Joseph’s, fall to the Hawks 84-79. -

January 14, 2018

Confucius Say: Top 10 Fortune Cookie

Sunday marked the Chinese New Year, and as a result there are bound to be a lot of fortune cookies eaten in celebration. Many people will crack open their oven-baked pastry to find grammatically incorrect predictions of the future. Some will inspire deep thought and others will inspire deep questioning as to what the fortune means in the first place.

So, in honor of the Chinese New Year, break out a pair of chopsticks and celebrate with the top 10 list of some of the funniest fortune cookies out there, all of which have been discovered by those truly on the quest for destiny.

10) “To truly find yourself you should play hide and seek alone.”

This is clearly a piece of advice for when one is lost in the woods without any sort of GPS, map or navigation system: run off, hide behind a tree and you will know exactly where you are.

9) “It is most enjoyable to talk with you.”

This fortune was discovered at the site of the murder of the world’s first and only talking fortune cookie after its tragic death at the hands of an unidentified patron of Franklin dining commons. Crumbs were discovered on the table and one student, who remains unnamed, described it as “a tragic loss to fortune cookie community.”

8) “Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer.”

It is a well-kept secret that there are many magical rituals involving mints in Chinese lore. That is, if you can abstain from eating them all first.

7) “Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.”

Believe it or not, this was an actual fortune cookie in a real Chinese restaurant. Truly a profound statement.

6) “When the time comes, choose the one on the left.”

Immediately after this cookie was cracked, the opener was presented with a choice between whether he wanted to keep his left or right hand. Too bad he was right-handed.

5) “Your tongue is your ambassador.”

The best sex advice comes from pastries.

4) “Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery!”

Has anyone else been seeing a lot of these lately at Worcester dining commons?

3) “Ignore previous cookie.”

Enough said.

2) “A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.”

There are a surprising number of people who have gotten very excited when they found this inside their fortune cookie. The truth is, the galactic wizard has already promised this, people know that the starship ride is coming, and the cookie is just reassuring them. No need to get so hyper about it.

1) “…That wasn’t chicken.”

That would explain the funny taste…

Have a happy Chinese New Year and remember to enjoy your fortune cookie… in bed.

Tappan Parker can be reached at rtparker@student.umass.edu.

Comments
3 Responses to “Confucius Say: Top 10 Fortune Cookie”
  1. shelby says:

    confucius said : think no evil, hear no evil, see no evil, do no evil.

  2. charles says:

    Confucius said: Too many people try to say for me and don’t care what I really said. But I enjoyed this post very much.

  3. larissa says:

    Confucius says: shall I teach you what knowledge is? When you know a thing say that you know it; when you don’t know a thing admit that you don’t know it. that is knowledge

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