Scrolling Headlines:

UMass Divest and proponents of sanctuary campus will not be allowed to speak at Board of Trustees meeting -

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Former political prisoner to speak on human rights and prison experience -

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UMass men’s basketball using late-game situations as learning opportunities for remainder of season -

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UMass men’s basketball kicks off Gotham Classic at home against Pacific -

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UMass hockey looks to continue recent improvements against Connecticut -

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UMass hockey team confident in game plan despite UConn’s constant change in net -

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UMass women’s basketball falls apart in the fourth quarter in 71-55 loss to Hofstra -

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It’s been a long year -

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A return to the collapse of 2008 -

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Mindfulness in, and in spite of, a technological age -

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Beer, bets and pool: a High Horse unofficial review -

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Don’t let winter stop you from running outside -

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BREAKING: Train allegedly strikes pedestrian in Amherst -

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Campus Climate survey shows strong response -

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Jennifer Carlson gives talk on race and gun law enforcement -

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Labor Center to receive increased funding from University -

December 7, 2016

Verdi enforces playing a full 40 minutes as UMass takes on Hofstra -

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Mulligan looks to continue seven game double-double streak at Hofstra -

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Jesus: the conservative Republican -

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The joy of Snapchat -

December 7, 2016

Confucius Say: Top 10 Fortune Cookie

Sunday marked the Chinese New Year, and as a result there are bound to be a lot of fortune cookies eaten in celebration. Many people will crack open their oven-baked pastry to find grammatically incorrect predictions of the future. Some will inspire deep thought and others will inspire deep questioning as to what the fortune means in the first place.

So, in honor of the Chinese New Year, break out a pair of chopsticks and celebrate with the top 10 list of some of the funniest fortune cookies out there, all of which have been discovered by those truly on the quest for destiny.

10) “To truly find yourself you should play hide and seek alone.”

This is clearly a piece of advice for when one is lost in the woods without any sort of GPS, map or navigation system: run off, hide behind a tree and you will know exactly where you are.

9) “It is most enjoyable to talk with you.”

This fortune was discovered at the site of the murder of the world’s first and only talking fortune cookie after its tragic death at the hands of an unidentified patron of Franklin dining commons. Crumbs were discovered on the table and one student, who remains unnamed, described it as “a tragic loss to fortune cookie community.”

8) “Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer.”

It is a well-kept secret that there are many magical rituals involving mints in Chinese lore. That is, if you can abstain from eating them all first.

7) “Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.”

Believe it or not, this was an actual fortune cookie in a real Chinese restaurant. Truly a profound statement.

6) “When the time comes, choose the one on the left.”

Immediately after this cookie was cracked, the opener was presented with a choice between whether he wanted to keep his left or right hand. Too bad he was right-handed.

5) “Your tongue is your ambassador.”

The best sex advice comes from pastries.

4) “Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery!”

Has anyone else been seeing a lot of these lately at Worcester dining commons?

3) “Ignore previous cookie.”

Enough said.

2) “A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.”

There are a surprising number of people who have gotten very excited when they found this inside their fortune cookie. The truth is, the galactic wizard has already promised this, people know that the starship ride is coming, and the cookie is just reassuring them. No need to get so hyper about it.

1) “…That wasn’t chicken.”

That would explain the funny taste…

Have a happy Chinese New Year and remember to enjoy your fortune cookie… in bed.

Tappan Parker can be reached at rtparker@student.umass.edu.

Comments
3 Responses to “Confucius Say: Top 10 Fortune Cookie”
  1. shelby says:

    confucius said : think no evil, hear no evil, see no evil, do no evil.

  2. charles says:

    Confucius said: Too many people try to say for me and don’t care what I really said. But I enjoyed this post very much.

  3. larissa says:

    Confucius says: shall I teach you what knowledge is? When you know a thing say that you know it; when you don’t know a thing admit that you don’t know it. that is knowledge

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