Scrolling Headlines:

UMass men’s basketball falters in the second half, falling to George Washington 83-67 Thursday -

February 24, 2017

UPDATE: SGA announces second and third artist for ‘Mullins Live!’ -

February 23, 2017

Divest UMass and STPEC host panel on building ‘solidarity economies’ in the Trump era -

February 23, 2017

UMass women’s basketball losing streak extends to 10 games after loss to URI -

February 23, 2017

Sixth annual Advocacy Day set to take place March 1 -

February 23, 2017

Panel discusses racial, sexual and psychological violence in response to art exhibit -

February 23, 2017

Judy Dixon enters final season with UMass tennis with simple message: One match at a time -

February 23, 2017

UMass baseball enduring early-season limitation in playing in New England -

February 23, 2017

Minutewomen softball begins season with cross-country travel, string of tournaments -

February 23, 2017

UMass baseball looks to bounce back from disappointing 2016 season -

February 23, 2017

UMass women’s lacrosse senior Hannah Murphy is Angela McMahon’s latest legend in the making -

February 23, 2017

UMass women’s lacrosse senior defenders accept leadership roles in quest for ninth consecutive Atlantic 10 Championship -

February 23, 2017

Kelsey McGovern rejoins UMass women’s lacrosse as an assistant coach after starring for Minutewomen -

February 23, 2017

UMass men’s lacrosse looks to continue improving throughout 2017 season -

February 23, 2017

Spring Sports Special Issue 2017 -

February 23, 2017

UMass men’s lacrosse defense relying on senior leadership with new faces in starting lineup -

February 23, 2017

UMass softball fills holes left by seniors with freshmen for 2017 -

February 23, 2017

The Hart of the Lineup -

February 23, 2017

UMass softball prepares for a long, busy season in 2017 -

February 23, 2017

UMass men’s lacrosse defenseman Tyler Weeks makes his way back from ACL injury -

February 23, 2017

Confucius Say: Top 10 Fortune Cookie

Sunday marked the Chinese New Year, and as a result there are bound to be a lot of fortune cookies eaten in celebration. Many people will crack open their oven-baked pastry to find grammatically incorrect predictions of the future. Some will inspire deep thought and others will inspire deep questioning as to what the fortune means in the first place.

So, in honor of the Chinese New Year, break out a pair of chopsticks and celebrate with the top 10 list of some of the funniest fortune cookies out there, all of which have been discovered by those truly on the quest for destiny.

10) “To truly find yourself you should play hide and seek alone.”

This is clearly a piece of advice for when one is lost in the woods without any sort of GPS, map or navigation system: run off, hide behind a tree and you will know exactly where you are.

9) “It is most enjoyable to talk with you.”

This fortune was discovered at the site of the murder of the world’s first and only talking fortune cookie after its tragic death at the hands of an unidentified patron of Franklin dining commons. Crumbs were discovered on the table and one student, who remains unnamed, described it as “a tragic loss to fortune cookie community.”

8) “Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer.”

It is a well-kept secret that there are many magical rituals involving mints in Chinese lore. That is, if you can abstain from eating them all first.

7) “Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.”

Believe it or not, this was an actual fortune cookie in a real Chinese restaurant. Truly a profound statement.

6) “When the time comes, choose the one on the left.”

Immediately after this cookie was cracked, the opener was presented with a choice between whether he wanted to keep his left or right hand. Too bad he was right-handed.

5) “Your tongue is your ambassador.”

The best sex advice comes from pastries.

4) “Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery!”

Has anyone else been seeing a lot of these lately at Worcester dining commons?

3) “Ignore previous cookie.”

Enough said.

2) “A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.”

There are a surprising number of people who have gotten very excited when they found this inside their fortune cookie. The truth is, the galactic wizard has already promised this, people know that the starship ride is coming, and the cookie is just reassuring them. No need to get so hyper about it.

1) “…That wasn’t chicken.”

That would explain the funny taste…

Have a happy Chinese New Year and remember to enjoy your fortune cookie… in bed.

Tappan Parker can be reached at rtparker@student.umass.edu.

Comments
3 Responses to “Confucius Say: Top 10 Fortune Cookie”
  1. shelby says:

    confucius said : think no evil, hear no evil, see no evil, do no evil.

  2. charles says:

    Confucius said: Too many people try to say for me and don’t care what I really said. But I enjoyed this post very much.

  3. larissa says:

    Confucius says: shall I teach you what knowledge is? When you know a thing say that you know it; when you don’t know a thing admit that you don’t know it. that is knowledge

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