Scrolling Headlines:

UMass women’s basketball handles Duquesne at home -

January 16, 2017

UMass men’s basketball’s late comeback falls short after blowing 15-point first-half lead -

January 15, 2017

UMass hockey outlasted at home against No. 6 UMass Lowell -

January 14, 2017

Hailey Leidel hits second buzzer beater of the season to give UMass women’s basketball win over Davidson -

January 13, 2017

UMass football hosts Maine at Fenway Park in 2017 -

January 12, 2017

UMass men’s basketball snaps losing streak and upsets Dayton Wednesday night at Mullins Center -

January 11, 2017

UMass women’s track and field takes second at Dartmouth Relays -

January 10, 2017

UMass hockey falls to No. 5 Boston University at Frozen Fenway -

January 8, 2017

UMass professor to make third appearance on ‘Jeopardy!’ -

January 8, 2017

UMass women’s basketball suffers brutal loss on road against Saint Joseph’s -

January 7, 2017

UMass men’s basketball drops thirds straight, falls to VCU 81-64 -

January 7, 2017

UMass men’s basketball drops tightly-contested conference matchup against George Mason Wednesday night -

January 4, 2017

Late-game defense preserves UMass women’s basketball’s win against rival Rhode Island -

January 4, 2017

AIC shuts out UMass hockey 3-0 at Mullins Center -

January 4, 2017

UMass professor to appear as contestant on ‘Jeopardy!’ Thursday night -

January 4, 2017

Penalties plague UMass hockey in Mariucci Classic championship game -

January 2, 2017

UMass men’s basketball falls in A-10 opener to St. Bonaventure and its veteran backcourt -

December 30, 2016

UMass woman’s basketball ends FIU Holiday Classic with 65-47 loss to Drexel -

December 29, 2016

UMass men’s basketball finishes non-conference schedule strong with win over Georgia State -

December 28, 2016

Brett Boeing joins UMass hockey for second half of season -

December 28, 2016

Confucius Say: Top 10 Fortune Cookie

Sunday marked the Chinese New Year, and as a result there are bound to be a lot of fortune cookies eaten in celebration. Many people will crack open their oven-baked pastry to find grammatically incorrect predictions of the future. Some will inspire deep thought and others will inspire deep questioning as to what the fortune means in the first place.

So, in honor of the Chinese New Year, break out a pair of chopsticks and celebrate with the top 10 list of some of the funniest fortune cookies out there, all of which have been discovered by those truly on the quest for destiny.

10) “To truly find yourself you should play hide and seek alone.”

This is clearly a piece of advice for when one is lost in the woods without any sort of GPS, map or navigation system: run off, hide behind a tree and you will know exactly where you are.

9) “It is most enjoyable to talk with you.”

This fortune was discovered at the site of the murder of the world’s first and only talking fortune cookie after its tragic death at the hands of an unidentified patron of Franklin dining commons. Crumbs were discovered on the table and one student, who remains unnamed, described it as “a tragic loss to fortune cookie community.”

8) “Now is the time to make circles with mints, do not haste any longer.”

It is a well-kept secret that there are many magical rituals involving mints in Chinese lore. That is, if you can abstain from eating them all first.

7) “Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.”

Believe it or not, this was an actual fortune cookie in a real Chinese restaurant. Truly a profound statement.

6) “When the time comes, choose the one on the left.”

Immediately after this cookie was cracked, the opener was presented with a choice between whether he wanted to keep his left or right hand. Too bad he was right-handed.

5) “Your tongue is your ambassador.”

The best sex advice comes from pastries.

4) “Help! I am being held prisoner in a Chinese bakery!”

Has anyone else been seeing a lot of these lately at Worcester dining commons?

3) “Ignore previous cookie.”

Enough said.

2) “A starship ride has been promised to you by the galactic wizard.”

There are a surprising number of people who have gotten very excited when they found this inside their fortune cookie. The truth is, the galactic wizard has already promised this, people know that the starship ride is coming, and the cookie is just reassuring them. No need to get so hyper about it.

1) “…That wasn’t chicken.”

That would explain the funny taste…

Have a happy Chinese New Year and remember to enjoy your fortune cookie… in bed.

Tappan Parker can be reached at rtparker@student.umass.edu.

Comments
3 Responses to “Confucius Say: Top 10 Fortune Cookie”
  1. shelby says:

    confucius said : think no evil, hear no evil, see no evil, do no evil.

  2. charles says:

    Confucius said: Too many people try to say for me and don’t care what I really said. But I enjoyed this post very much.

  3. larissa says:

    Confucius says: shall I teach you what knowledge is? When you know a thing say that you know it; when you don’t know a thing admit that you don’t know it. that is knowledge

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