Scarily bad Halloween costumes

By Tappan Parker

There are two ways of scaring people on Halloween. You can wear a terrifying, gut-wrenchingly scary costume that festers on the edge of insanity. Or you can wear one of these costumes.

Vuvuzela Guy/Gal
If you watched soccer over the summer you heard this instrument. The satanic droning of thousands upon thousands of vuvuzelas blasting throughout the stadium made millions want to rip off their ears. What represents terror better than the thought of having to listen to one of those again?
Set up is simple: Get a vuvuzela and play it at every possible moment when you go out on Halloween. It is guaranteed to have people glaring at you while thinking, “Man that costume is terrifying!” Or something like that.

The Lady Gaga meat dress
With all the Lady Gaga’s that you will see this Halloween, you need to set yourself apart from all the others. What screams fashion diva more than Lady Gaga’s meat dress? You’ll be the talk of the night and if you get hungry, you’ve got something ready to cook on hand. Just go to Franklin, get a few flank steaks and you are good to go.

Borat in a man-thong
For individuals who are of a more unusual body type – out of shape, pale and skinny as a rail, or those who have a serious body hair problem – consider emphasizing your attributes. Nothing is more disturbing or comical than dressing as Borat in a man-thong. Another bonus: The costume is incredibly cheap … Just grow a moustache and buy an awkward piece of bathing suit. Sure it may be a cold night, but you’ll be able to walk with confidence knowing you are the scariest thing on the street.

A Hipster
Okay, so maybe being a hipster for Halloween isn’t all that scary. But how ironic would it be to dress up as something not scary for Halloween? Just get your bike, a pair of glasses and dress like you just don’t care. People will admire the fact that you don’t go with the rest of the crowd on Halloween … not that you care about what anyone else thinks.

Ke$ha
Parents coming up for the weekend? Scare your parents by dressing like Ke$ha. Your parents will think you turned into a trashy college kid when they see you brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniels. But the joke is on them! You are in costume! Plus, the boys will all be lining up because they hear you got swagger.

Cereal Killer
People love funny costumes but nothing is scarier than a bad pun. And a cereal killer is a really bad pun. You may have to put a little work into this one, but it will be worth it to say you had the scariest pun-based costume on Halloween. Be on the lookout for enormous boxes you can steal from the dining commons dumpsters.

Cop
This one is guaranteed to frighten everyone you meet on Halloween. The beauty of being a cop is that it gets scarier as more people do it. You may even be so scary that people won’t want to let you into their parties. At the very least, it could turn out to be the ironic hit of the night if you are dragged away in handcuffs by the real police. Bring a camera.

Edward Cullen
So you want to be a vampire, but you don’t want to put a lot of work into your costume. Why not go as Edward Cullen? Nothing scares a guy more than the thought of having to watch Twilight, but the girls will be all over you. Just get a ton of glitter, and make sure to make your hair looks like you just woke up. Dignity is optional.

Tappan Parker can be reached at [email protected]