Out over the athletic fields, past the Mullins Center, the Central Heating Plant brought warm news. White smoke began billowing from the building last night signifying the end to conclave. A new pope has risen.

The new pope is doing things differently. First off, he has chosen the name Franklin.  One report believes that Pope Franklin aspires to be a central part of campus life and thus has chosen to name himself after a dining common in Central.  However, offbeat news sources are claiming Pope Franklin chose his name after a cartoon turtle.

Also, the new papal figure is the first from the Southwest region. According to a spokesperson, he rejected the Papal Suite in the North Apartments to keep his residence in the towers.  The spokesperson noted how “Z rooms” fascinate him.  The new pope enjoys how there are two singles connected into a double; it reminds him of things that are separate but equal.

Lastly, Pope Franklin boldly rejected a chauffeured limousine for transportation.  Instead, he chooses to use the PVTA bus system.  In fact, an eyewitness reported seeing Pope Franklin on the B43 headed to the Holyoke Mall last night to get his white robes hemmed.

Pope Franklin will speak to the UMass community for his first time as their new spiritual leader at the upcoming TEDxUMass Amherst event.  He will reportedly give a talk on how to be a better person along with a segment on hat styles throughout history.

In other news, Latin studies recently had spike in declared majors.

Bongo Platinum McGee is a Morning Wood blowhard. He can be reached at [email protected].