Due to recent complaints from students regarding long waiting periods at University Health Services, officials at the University of Massachusetts administration have decided to release wristbands to students who wish to skip long lines – for a price.
Billed as the “UMass Fast Pass,” the wristbands are based off current designs used by amusement park giants such as Disney World and Universal Studios. Students who wish to purchase the $200 pass must show proof of citizenship and a doctor’s note to that girl who never smiles at you in the Ombuds Office.
“I am going to need you to fill out a blue sheet,” said nurse Sandra Dijon Jackson in response to a question about the change.
Upon acquiring the pass, students gain access to UHS’s premium waiting area, which is complete with TVs that are not set to reruns of “Law and Order: SVU” and reading material other than Parents Magazine. Students who buy the pass will then enjoy shortened waiting times, allowing for better access to the health care system they probably do not know they are paying for.
Financial aid doesn’t cover any of the costs of the pass, which allows only those students whose parents really love them to be able to afford it.
“All I had to do was flash daddy’s credit card,” said senior communications major and frequent Golden Booty patron Ashley Vontantillo. “I don’t even know what UHS stands for.”
Not all students are as happy about the decision, though, and a handful have reported feeling discriminated against.
But according to UMass chancellor and self-proclaimed fire-bender Kumble Subbaswamy, the decision comes at just the right time.
“Maybe we won’t have so many fifth year seniors on campus now that the cumulative waiting time for a single student at UMass does not equal an entire semester of missed classes,” Subbaswamy said. “Now if you’ll excuse me ‘Girls’ is on.”
The wristbands will be available in shades of maroon and white. Keeping up with the theme of personal health, each wristband will have the words “you only live once” inscribed on the inside to remind students how important UHS’s services are.
Available beginning April 6, students are reminded until the wristband release to adhere to current waiting procedures at UHS, as in wait until you catch a different illness than the one you went there to originally treat and then get prescribed antibiotics.
Bby Swerve can be reached at [email protected].
