This week’s episode was one of those episodes that make being a fan of this show hard. Some infuriating, and oftentimes nonsensical, stuff went down that I’m still trying to make heads or tails of. Let’s get into it…

Phuket 2011

This week we found out what August was up to in 2011, which was basically getting into trouble in Thailand and turning into wood. At the same time Emma arrived in Storybrooke, August began to turn to wood, mainly due to him not being the selfless individual he was supposed to be in order to be a “real boy.” To try and reverse turning into a coffee table he goes to The Dragon, a man who cures magic related ailments in this world. The Dragon says that he’ll cure August in exchange for an object that means a lot to him…oh, and $10,000. While August is there he meets Tamara a.k.a Neal’s fiancé.

The two later chat in a bar about The Dragon and their ailments, when a cash-strapped August decides he’s just going to rob Tamara and book it out of there. While he succeeds and buys the medicine needed to cure him, he underestimates Tamara who tracks him down, takes the vial, and leaves August in a gutter.

Later we cut to Tamara confronting The Dragon about the contents of the vial. It’s revealed she isn’t sick, she just wanted to find magic – and all of her extensive research led her to believe the medicine is real magic. When the hell did she have time to do all this research, anyways? Did she have a professional help her? Did he ask questions about the pink, glowing material in the bottle? Whatever, nothing is as absurd as what happens next. Tamara kills The Dragon with a taser. She murders a magical human being who may or may not be an actual dragon with a STUN GUN.

Storybrooke

Snow was feeling majorly depressed about killing Cora so she did what any woman would: went into the forest to shoot arrows to a Joan Jett playlist. While she was out there, though, she discovers a fully-wooden August who’s been chilling in a trailer in the woods this entire season. He’s pretty ashamed so he requests Snow not tell anyone about his whereabouts – which she promptly ignores and tells EVERYONE about his whereabouts.

While all this was happening, though, Emma and Henry were meeting Tamara, and boy, was it awkward. Neal tries to tell Tamara the truth, but she feigns shock and accuses him of still being in love with Emma. I guess in order to hide your secret knowledge of magic you should open THAT can of worms.

After hearing Snow spreading the gossip about August around town, Tamara pays her old acquaintance a visit and basically tries to run him out of town with the promise of the cure he needs to turn back into a man. At first he agrees, and sets out for Tamara’s apartment in New York. How ridiculous would wooden August be walking around New York? Alas, he never made it there, because he soon realizes that Tamara killed The Dragon and goes to warn Emma and company about her. Before he can warn them, Tamara finds him and stun guns him, because I guess she always has that thing on her? Anyway, it basically kills him (yeah, I don’t know how that works either) but he uses his dying breath to try and warn Emma. Apparently, this one act of selflessness in his life warrants him being brought back to life by the blue fairy – but things get WEIRD. He’s brought back – AS A 10 YEAR OLD BOY in what looks like a cheap ren-fair costume.

After that freaking spectacle, we got a pretty big surprise: Tamara is Greg’s “Her.” Honestly, this show is turning into a never-ending web of people being connected. In the beginning it was interesting to see how these people were involved in each other’s stories, but it’s become predictable and soon it will probably become incest-y.

New York, 2011

In New York, August relays to Neal that Emma has arrived in Storybrooke and that he would send a postcard when the curse was broken. We zoom out to see Tamara eavesdropping and then running (literally) into Neal – meaning their first meeting was under completely false pretenses, just like the entire relationship.

Questions/Comments

-That cold open was so reminiscent of LOST I though August was going to have a tattoo at the end of it a la Jack Shepherd.

-So we get Robin Hood in the next new episode? Does this show really need more characters?!

Alexa can be reached at [email protected].