In a rare glimpse into his private life, President Obama revealed on Tuesday that he is considering legal action to request a restraining order against the progressive community.
“They think we’re still together,” said a visibly exasperated Obama, “in spite of all that’s happened.” The President stated that, from his perspective, there was no serious committed relationship in the first place and described the extent of his relationship with progressives as “just a fling.”
“Look, I know I’m guilty of leading them on back in ’08,” he confessed. “I was younger then and they were frankly pretty desperate – you know, they had been looking for someone special for years at that point. So we went out and I got a little flirtatious, talking about hope and change and all that romantic stuff they love.”
But the commander-in-chief of the world’s largest military explained that he never thought of the affair continuing beyond November of that year.
“It was supposed to be a one-night thing. We went to the ballot box together, we had a wonderful time – I’ll never forget that magical night, November 4, 2008 – but in the morning, I expected us to go our separate ways.”
That was not how progressives saw it, however. According to President Obama, they began to act as if he was part of their family and kept sending him gifts with astronomical approval ratings for the better part of a year.
“At first, I tried dropping hints, to let them down gently,” he recalled. “Appointing Larry Summers as my economic advisor, bailing out the banks, letting foreclosures go unchallenged, taking the public option off the table before the health care debate even began – I thought that last one was pretty obvious, actually.”
But progressives would not give up their obsessive fantasies. “This health care thing, they latched onto it as proof that I really loved them, deep down, even though it was a birthday present for the insurance companies I was dating at the time,” said the President.
Later, the man who did nothing to reform the financial system after the greatest economic crisis of our generation had to resort to even more blatant signals that he wasn’t interested in the progressives’ advances.
“I’ve tried everything. Drone strikes, reading their emails, making deals with Republicans to continue the Bush tax cuts one year and cut food stamps another year. Nothing worked.”
In spite of the President’s best efforts at pushing them away, progressives continued to cling to their imaginary relationship, even posting sappy videos and love songs online for the 2012 election season.
“God, that was so embarrassing,” said the President. “Just about the only good thing that came out of it was that I beat Romney on that reality show – you know, America’s Next Top Executive. He and I still laugh about it sometimes.”
Most recently, President Obama tried to make his feelings clear by openly embracing the war record of the former popular power couple who bullied progressives back in high school, George Bush and Dick Cheney. But most progressives didn’t even pay attention.
“At this point, I think they already realize on some level that I’m just not into them,” concluded the man who continues to preside over historically low tax rates for the wealthy. “But I think they just cry themselves to sleep and tell themselves they’ve got to stick with this fantasy they’ve built up, because there’s no one else for them out there. I guess they think they’re stuck with me and the Democrats, forever.”
“It’s pathetic,” he sighed.
Benny Debs can be reached at [email protected].
